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hey, hope you're good!
i'm in an incredible mood today.. i haven't really done much yet, but my long awaited package finally arrived.. my konoe figure that i had been debating about buying for months. since i had ordered it, at least once a day i'd talk about how much i wanted it to arrive already. and now its finally here! so i'm very happy.
i put him on my shelf with my bonsai tree, and since he's sitting on a tree branch, i thought that it'd match a little lol. it sorta does. i took some pictures as well, so i'll put them here! my akira figure ended up photobombing one of the photos because i forgot to move him at first though.
the figure comes with his cloak and gauntlets as well, but i took them off. i was a little disappointed that it didn't come with the drama cd as well, since it had a picture of it in the listing. i messaged the guy to ask about it, so hopefully he can send it over. it was a little scary, since i'm a bit shy lol. hopefully it isn't too annoying for him. i wish that nitrochiral would make more lamento figures. there are a bunch of togainu no chi and dmmd ones, but lamento doesn't get much love at all lol. it got a stage play about two or three years ago even though the game is twenty years old, so maybe they'll start caring about lamento a little more. probably not.
so, thats been my day! i'll keep remaking the diary (again) in a minute, but i'd like to show you my bookshelf first, now that konoe is there.
you can see my pucca clock up on the top shelf. best clock ever.
alright, thats all i wanted to talk about! happy april 1st. thanks for reading! :)
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hey, hope you're well!
it'll be april soon.. and my birthday on the 23rd! its on a weekday though. but i'll probably take the day off for it, like i always do lol.
i got a package today of a plushie that i ordered, and its making me want to create a page for all of my favorite things that i own even more.. i've been putting it off for some reason, but i'll probably get around to it eventually. i wanna show off my two pucca themed clocks lol.
i wanted to say as well that i'm very grateful for all of the nice messages written in my guestbook! every time that i see that someones written something, i feel really happy about it. sorry, that sounds stupid! but i'm just happy to see all of these kind things. so thank you! :)
i'm so hungry. i was going to try and write a lot in one sitting, but i seriously need to eat something. maybe some spaghetti. i'll finish writing here.
thanks for reading, and please stay safe!
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i hope you're doing well!
theres a new shrines page on the site now.
but with no shrines to visit, its just a dead end right now.
hopefully i'll be able to finish my lamento shrine soon! but i'm starting over again completely, so it might take a while.. just like the rest of this site.
i can't say much about the lady standing around in the shrine section without giving spoilers away in the dispatch logs, but you can learn more about all of the other characters around the website in the poetry section, although their descriptions don't go into too much detail.
it was very fun to draw her, and i like her design a lot. compared to eiri, (lady in the sillian archive) shes quite serious and self-assured, and i hope her posture sort of conveys that. or maybe she just looks normal! i'm not sure. despite not caring about fashion very much, she looks quite put together. probably because she wants to look confident. also because its just her winter work clothes!
in other news, i finally ended up buying a figure of konoe from lamento that i've wanted for so long.. i was waiting for ages to find a listing with a lower price, and it never came. so i gave in and bought it at $186. but it comes with a drama cd as well, so i can convince myself that its worth the price. honestly, i'm just happy to have got him at all! i'm a bit sad that hes a 1/10 scale figure and not 1/8, because hes going to look tiny compared to the other figures that i have lol. but he looks really cool, so i'm extremely excited for him to arrive.
i was thinking about getting asato's figure as well, but that probably won't be happening for a while. anyway, i'm happy!
thats all. thanks for reading, please stay safe!
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hope you're well!
today has been very average..
not much happened today! one funny thing happened at least, where a guy ran out of my college in a spiderman costume to tell the bus driver to wait for someone. but other than that, it was a pretty average day.
but a stupid thing happened a few days ago. i told my dad that i was drawing earlier that day, and he said, "oh, was it anything gay?" and i said "no, not this time." when will this end?
i've spoken about this little inside joke before, but its on the old diary, so i'll just explain it here so its easier!
one time, my dad walked in my room while there was some art that i had made of two guys fighting on my desk, and he went to look at it. he asked me if i had drawn it, and i said, "no..." to which he responded, "ah. i don't approve of this." then he left!
i was going in circles trying to figure out what he didn't like about it. was it just a genuinely poor drawing? but he had always enjoyed my drawings! so i asked someone else for their opinion, and they told me that it looked like they were fucking. so i had to explain to my dad that i wanted them to be fighting, not frotting. not in those exact words, obviously, but you get it. then he told me that he thought that i had just printed out a gay comic from the internet! but he told me that the drawing itself was good, so i guess that he was just surprised to see gay porn my desk.
anyway, in the end, the misunderstanding was cleared. but every time i say that i'm drawing something now, i'll always be asked if its something gay. forever.
i've started to accept this. so, thats the story behind the joke!
oh, and i've been learning a bit about espionage! its very interesting!
thats all i can think to say! thanks for reading, and please stay safe.
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i hope that you're having a good day.
for some reason, i feel so bleak right now.
i was looking through a bunch of awesome websites, and i think i started to think about how wide the world is.. and how many wonderful people are out there. maybe instead of bleakness, i felt awe? people are really creative!
but, i'm upset that i won't be able to live forever, and i won't be able to see these cool things once i'm gone. it made me sort of sad. i wish i could live forever, so that i can see lots of nice things. i really like humans, and how versatile and innovative we can be. everyone is so interesting, and i wish that i could stay here forever.
oh, i've just made myself even sadder! when i remember that i only have a finite amount of time left to live, i start missing everything.. even though its all still here.
still, it was worth it to see everyone's cool websites. i got a lot of inspiration!
sorry, this is a hard topic change, but something has been seriously bothering me lately! its about the april fools animations nitro+chiral made in 2017. i've been trying to figure out which studio made it. i think its by studio crocodile, but i couldn't find any actual credits anywhere, even on their website. but if you compare the art style to the world of golden eggs, which they made, i think it looks suspiciously similar to the april fools animations. i'm probably stupid, and this information is readily out there somewhere.. but the uncertainty is annoying me.
my favorite one is the one with youji and konoe. its so stupid, but i laughed..
i've been listening to a lot of the killer7 soundtrack lately. i fell asleep to heroic deeds earlier when i got home, and i regretted it. i had such a strange dream.. it was in the format of a youtube video, and it followed some guy that was trying to break a bunch of people out of prison. he broke a huge chunk of the wall down, and it led to a weird underground water system that also doubled as a slide and a pool. and i was woken up by someone at the front door.. angry.
i really want some food right now. so i'm gonna go and eat. thanks for reading!
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hey, hope you're well.
i added three new songs to the music player! i also fixed the centering of containers on every page so when you zoom out, they stay centered. since all of the pages were going to the left all the time, it made it harder for screens with smaller resolutions to be able to see whats going on. because every time you try and zoom out, the whole website would just go into the corner! i said "yeah, this place is easier to view on smaller screens now!" before i did this, and now i feel like an idiot. but its true, you can view the website with your window minimized!
i'm not sure if anyone is still using a computer with a 1280x1024 resolution, but if you are, that problem is hopefully fixed now. just zoom out please!
but god, it was a nightmare to change. every time i find a new problem with this place, i lose all hope instantly. but then i get it back, because every time i try my hardest to fix it, it works out a little better than it was before. so i'll keep trying forever..
anyway, yeah, i added three new songs to the music player. i'll put this in the updates log on the front page as well, but i wanna talk about them here too..
i've been meaning to add a miyashita yuu song, so i'm glad that i finally got around to it! i just love his music so much, hes incredible. i wish that he'd do a collab with perfume, because i just know that they'd make the greatest song ever! sadly, that'll never happen. deus ex machina is one of my favorite songs sung by him!
the second song, girl who tends to look downcast, is made by colloid. they're a producer that i used to listen to a lot when i was very, very depressed. i discovered their songs again and it made me sad, but i loved their songs so much, so i wanted to add it anyway. their lyrics are always so bleak, but the melody sounds kinda hopeful. maybe thats why i enjoyed them. i'm not sure if colloid is still making music, but i hope that they're alright.
the last one that i added is called the singing cat, which is from the lamento soundtrack. when i heard it for the first time, i think i just stopped playing the game and sat there for a while and listened to it. i really like it. lamento has an incredible soundtrack in general, but i really like this one.
i think i'll add more songs from the silver case ost next time. isn't music great?
anyway, thats all i wanted to say. check out the songs in the music player if you'd like! thanks for reading!
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hey, you!
i love saturdays. i woke up a little late because i went to bed at 1am, but thats what weekends are for i guess!
i've been trying to go to bed at a good time, and i've kept it up for a little while now. hopefully i haven't jinxed myself.
i said that i "almost started learning how to make skins for rainmeter" last entry because of a tvxq song, but i finally gave in and gave it a try! i haven't done much messing around yet, but i'm really excited to start learning the basics.
rainmeter is an open source software that lets you create and download custom skins on your desktop. you can make things like custom audio visualisers and hardware usage meters, display the time and date, and the weather. sorta like widgets?
anyway, i've been seeing these custom desktops around, and the ones that i saw looked so awesome. about half of my thoughts are about lamento now, so i replaced my doris from malice@doll desktop and i'm working on a konoe and asato themed one. sorry doris..
it isn't done at all lol, but i got excited and wanted to show it anyway.
the konoe and asato sprites (is that the word?) are from an illustration drawn by tatakana. i love it a lot, so i wanted it on my desktop. when you click on them, it plays a meow sound lol. they both have different meows, and i almost went crazy from scrolling through meow sound effects..
when you click on the konoe plushie, he squeaks! and i'm still so sad that they only made a konoe and rai plush strap. where is asato..
i'm going to add more things, like a ram and disk space display, and the date and time. but if i start now, i'm never going to go to sleep. so i'll do it tomorrow.
maybe i should make a rai version as well. but baby steps! this is my first time trying it out, so i should just have fun. no ideas of grandeur.
the background is also the same as the lamento shrine that i'm working on, because i was too lazy to make a whole new background for my desktop. its of karou, konoe's hometown! and my user picture is of rai now. can you even see it? its so small..
oh, and i replaced the default windows sounds with some voice lines of madobe nanami, the sort of official mascot of windows 7! so now every time my battery is low, i literally can't ignore it because of how distracting it is.
anyway, thats what i've been doing. i guess i'm just excited to learn something new, so i wanted to talk about rainmeter. but wow, its a lot different compared to html. things are quite confusing right now..
thats all! thanks for reading, and please stay safe!
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hey, hope you're well!
i'm listening to a song by tvxq right now. i don't know the name in english, but its called this: 'O -正.反.合.
i almost mustered a tear from the music video when i first watched it. its so 2000s! it made me wanna run a lap around the block! i was so hyped up by it that i almost started learning how to make skins for rainmeter. one day..
i don't really know what to say now.. i just wanted to talk about the song. well, i went to my grandparents' house today. my mom wanted to get some tadpoles for her pond from my grandma, so we all went with her. this is reminding me of the soil entry from before..
it was nice to see them. the drive there was nice as well! the weather was wonderful. once i get my licence, i'd like to go and see them more. also because of the beach! they live kinda near to one.
i was drawing yesterday, and i kinda wanna draw right now, but.. i don't want to. i'm too lazy.
i was drawing konoe from lamento yesterday, and i just couldn't draw that guy's hair for the life of me. was i just tired? it frustrated me so much that i gave up and had to draw a mini version of him instead. he looked way more like rai than himself, so maybe i should just draw rai. then i wont have to draw the other eye!
i was thinking about working on my lamento shrine while i was at my family's house and i felt bad. i said that to my dad once we left, (not the lamento part..) and he said, "WAIT! i forgot to mention your website to [grandma]!" and i'm glad that he forgot. i'm not gonna lie, i really do wanna show people this place, but i'd have to blow up this entire diary to make that happen. i'm already on thin ice. its a little sad though!
well, thats all. i hope you have a good day.
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hey, hope you're doing well!
it was really nice outside today. it was a bit chilly, but it was so sunny outside. it really felt like spring!
since yesterday i've been watching a playthrough of resident evil requiem.
spoilers by the way!
i'm at the part where leon is going to ARK. i remember the bit where victor has leon strapped to a chair and hes interrogating him after grace jumps down the hole in the care center, and i dunno if its just me, but it seemed like something extremely FREAKY was taking place. like victor was brushing leon's hair and grabbing on his neck and stuff, and surely i'm not the only one who thought that they'd just start fucking. what the hell was that atmosphere.
and i love grace a lot! i like how she makes herself stay cool under pressure even though she's terrified. i think shes nice! i felt so bad for her when she thought that emily died. poor grace.
today my only class was cancelled, so i went to the fish shop with my mom and she got some sand. we were looking at the tetras there as well, because shes going to get them for the new tank that she got. she asked me what species of fish she should get, and i thought "youji from sweet pool has neon tetra." so now shes getting neon tetra. after that i went on a walk, since it was such good weather. god, it really was hot outside! i started to regret going out on the walk back.
my plants are still alive. i'm so happy! i thought that my bonsai would die within a week. my chinese money plant looks like its grown a little too.. maybe not.
also, i just found out that perfume (nocchi, kashiyuka, a-chan) have met taylor swift?! i wasn't expecting that at all. they were both on music station in 2010. what a funny crossover!
well, thats all that i wanted to say. thanks for reading! please stay safe!
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happy first day of the month!
february felt so long.. it'll be my sister's birthday this month. she'll be ten. i remember when she was barely the size of my head. when i held her for the first time, it felt so strange. my dad described it as biblical, but i'm not sure. it really is crazy though! shes reminds me of myself when i was her age now.
i had another dream. i wonder how many times i've said that now. it was probably one of the best dreams that i've ever had! it had leon kennedy, ada wong, bayonetta, and ryuji goda in it. basically, it focused on ada, who was on some mission to an alien planet, and ryuji was one of the aliens there. he kept trying to get ada to marry him. then they all had to destroy some evil alien lord. it started out with all of them on the bus i take to college every morning, so i don't know how they got to a different planet. whatever. it was a fun dream.
and i've been making a shrine. i couldn't figure out what to make it for, so i just ended up choosing a game that i've had the most fun playing recently, which is lamento.
its a game that i love a lot! it reminds me of nier for some reason. maybe i just don't play enough games.. everything is nier to me..
lamento is the only nitro+chiral game that doesn't have any main characters that i hate. i was surprised at how much i liked the characters as soon as they were introduced! i was a bit worried when i saw rai, because i thought that he'd be a shiki 2.0 and be the second coming of hitler. but thankfully, he isn't.
i did asato's route first, and i haven't started rai's yet. i've already spoiled myself for one of his endings i think. i saw a cg of konoe and rai killing each other, but i'm not sure which ending it is. many such cases. is there even a good ending for rai? why do i always get spoiled for the sad endings where they're brutally murdering each other or one turns evil?
anyway, back on topic. its a wonderful, heartfelt, gay game. it really blew me away with how emotional it made me. i think about it a lot now, and about how no matter how rough my day is, at least i'm not konoe.
its a shame that its pretty annoying to download. it really is a great game with a great soundtrack! exclude verg. that guy has something devious going on.
so thats what i'm doing right now. thats all i have to say. thanks for reading!
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hey, i hope you're well.
i don't have much to say right now. i just wanted to write something here. probably because i wanted to see how the new diary looks..
i had a weird dream about some guy pissing in the middle of the street last night. i get these recurring dreams where i'm in an unfamiliar location and i'm scared and lost. sometimes i see people that i know in these dreams, but they ignore me, so i have to keep walking. but in this dream i was walking down the road and i felt really calm, and suddenly i just see some dude taking a leak from across the road. and donald trump was at some festival in the distance and he was talking to his bodyguards. i was super confused, and i kept walking.
i don't remember finding my way home, but i wasn't freaking out like usual.
at the end of these dreams, my mom usually comes and picks me up like she used to back when i was in school. she doesn't talk to me. i just get in the car, and the dream ends. i always feel so relieved whenever i see her after walking for so long though. this time she didn't.
what a boring dream. it was pretty funny though. it cheered me up. i guess i have nothing else to say.
thanks for reading. please stay safe!
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i finally updated the diary!
it looks a bit darker now. i'm just glad that theres finally an actual back button on the page.
this whole website has changed a little as well. i made it so that you can view it on any screen! i never thought i could do it. hopefully it works alright! now i can finally stop fretting over how jank this website is. its slightly less jank now!
i don't have much else to say. i only wanted to make a diary entry about the new diary because i'm excited about it..
well, i cut my bangs. it was getting too long!
thats all that has happened except me working on sillian. i'm a little so-so on the extremely white background.. i might change it to a darker color. i'm not sure yet. and i still need to make some shrines! that'll be fun!
thats it! thank you for reading. i hope you enjoy the new diary!
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hello, i hope you're well!
the site has a new music player now! i hope you enjoy messing around with it.
i hope you like the songs on there. i tried to pick some nice ones.
the gif playing in the window is from boom boom satellites' music video of another perfect day. i edited it quite a bit. it's a really good song, so check it out if you like the songs by them on the music player!
the volume seeker square is actually eiri's weird hairpin. you can find her at the sillian archive, just standing there, motioning you to click an option. look at her hairpin! it's the same! i thought that'd be cute..
and the seeking square is naitou-kun, nitro+chiral's mascot. sorry, this is random, but i really want some pork fried rice right now. i'm so hungry.. anyway, i expected the music player to start collecting dust as soon as i finished it, but i've actually been using it. i'm surprised! lets see if this lasts long enough for me to add some more songs on there.
i had a dream last night. i was walking along a random road with my family, and i took out my phone and saw some weird article saying "akira from togainu no chi's name is actually asako." i didn't even read the article, i just stopped in my tracks. my family turned around and asked me, "whats wrong?" but i couldn't even muster out a full sentence. all i said was "nothing.." i was absolutely distraught at the news, for some reason. maybe this is a sign for me to finally start playing true blood..
anyway, hopefully i'll start working on some shrines soon as well. well, thats all! thank you for reading, please stay safe!
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hope you're well!
its been raining a lot more now.. i keep getting soaked every day. i wish spring would come.
anyway, i got some soil in the mail yesterday. when she saw, my mom said "i've never seen anybody have soil delivered to them in my life." but it was good soil! i needed it for my chinese money plant, because the clay soil that i was using for it wasn't good for it. houseplant potting mix is better for indoor plants like my money plant. it has all sorts of good stuff in it, like vermiculite and perlite. hopefully it'll be harder for me to kill it now.
today i've been thinking about leon kennedy. he's one of my favorite characters of all time, i really like him! he's awesome. i like characters that push on against all odds, even though they're in a situation that should probably kill them. my dad asked me if i knew his middle name the other day to test me, and he thought he could catch me out and say that i'm a fake fan. no way, i don't play about leon.
i was late to college the other day because of him, because he started showing me resident evil 1 gameplay while i was trying to get ready. we just sat in the kitchen, watching chris run around. fun.
i've been meaning to play togainu no chi true blood, but i've been either too busy or lazy. akira kinda reminds me of leon a bit, because of how resilient they both are. leon could take down vischio, but could akira kill saddler? maybe if he took some extra military lessons or something. and akira already has the anti-nicole virus in his blood, so i wonder how it'd work out if he got infected with las plagas. doesn't matter at all, but fun to think about!
i just remembered when my dad called akira leon kennedy when he saw his figure on my shelf.. it all makes sense.. long lost cousins..
i'm tired! i hope my plants won't die. i'm worried about my bonsai, but hopefully everything'll be alright. i'm trying!
well, thats all! please stay safe!
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hey! good to see you!
its finally getting a little warmer now. it was really sunny yesterday.
something good happened this week. i was looking for a new porcelain doll, and i happened to find a doll that looked exactly like one i already have, but with a different color palette. i managed to find another doll from the same collection! i felt so lucky. i got her immediately.
the first doll that i have didn't have a name, but now i've named them both devola and popola! named after devola and popola from nier. they sort of look like sisters now that they're together, and it reminded me of them. devola is the one in the red dress, and popola is the one in the orange. i like them a lot. they're cute!
i also got a new bonsai tree. and a chinese money plant! i mentioned that i wanted one in my last entry... so i ordered one and it came today. i'm really happy that i got it! i hope i can do a good job taking care of them. i'm sort of scared, because taking care of bonsai trees seems hard. but i'll do my best. i named the bonsai tree chris, (named after chris redfield) and i haven't picked a name for the chinese money plant yet. but my cactus is called steve.
i promised myself that i wouldn't spend any more money on unneccesary stuff until april, but i broke the glass in my picture frame so i had to order a replacement. it wasn't that expensive though. no more spending...
thats all i have to say! thank you for reading!
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hey! hope you're well.
not much happened today. i got a new bookshelf!
i moved yukina (one of my dolls), to my bookshelf, but the thing that you use to wind up the music box on her back ended up scraping on the backing of it, so now there are some scratch marks.
i've only had it for two days and i've already ruined it.
well, you can't see it unless you were to move her. hopefully she doesn't slip off of the bookshelf and fall onto the floor. i think i'd be devastated!
anyway, i moved a few other things over from my table to my bookshelf, and one of those things was my figure of akira from togainu no chi. yukina and akira are on the same shelf!
my dad wanted to check out my bookshelf, and since akira's there in a much more obvious place now, my dad finally noticed him. i've had him for over half a year and he's never noticed that i have him. how?
and then that triggered an extremely awkward conversation. he asked me "is that leon kennedy?", and i almost lost it. i was laughing to myself for a while after he left. he noticed the leek in his hand (borrowed from a miku figure that i have) and thought it was funny. if he noticed that, he probably must've noticed that he's lowkey half naked. no regrets though! hes a nice figure. i'd like his military figure as well, its cool.
it kinda looks like he's cutting leeks. stupid! no way that he can cook.
also, i have a cold. i got it from one of my classmates. i should've known that i'd catch it. i'm still going to college tomorrow because my attendance is so terrible though. so whoever i see tomorrow, i'm sorry in advance for giving you my cold. i feel so ill... help me..
and i bought a really cute picture frame that'll come soon. i'm not sure what i'll put in it, but it'll probably just be leon again.
i'd really like a new plant as well. my lavender plant died! i'd like a chinese money plant, but i'm just desperate for a plant in general at this point. i'm not sure what else to say. i was cleaning all day today, so i'm exhausted. this seems kinda boring!
well, thats all! thank you for reading. stay safe!
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hey! hope you had a good day!
today's entry thumbnial is an illustration by naho souno.
i've been seeing a lot of her art lately, and i like it a lot. i'd like to try using bolder colors in my art as well.
anyway! today i got home from college after an extremely long day, and instead of going to take a nap, my dad made me sit down and watch summerslam '98 with him. i enjoyed it though. its always so funny how they're already drenched in sweat before they've even gotten in the ring. what've you guys been doing? i can probably guess. but i shant say...
nothing much has happened to me lately. i've been falling asleep to the flower, sun, and rain soundtrack every night now. masafumi takada is such an awesome composer, i love him! and shingo yasumoto! very interesting news.
there's not much else to say. i'm hungry, so i'm gonna eat. thanks for reading! and check out summerslam '98. its incredible.
bye!
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hope you're well.
nothing much has really happened, but i still wanted to write something.
i've been playing the silver case! i've already spoiled myself, like with every other game i've ever played. but it's an incredibly surreal and immersive game, with a cool story. if you like mystery visual novels and haven't played it, maybe check it out!
i can't wait for sunday so i can sleep. i've really been wanting to fall asleep and not wake back up for like a week, which is why i'm up at 1:51am right now. stupid!
i also forgot to say that my favorite silver case character so far is either tetsugoro or tokio. they're so funny..
anyway, i've been sort of feeling this strange sense of dread lately. i've been so tired that i haven't been able to talk to people as much, and every time i do, i try to give the most boring answer possible and speed up the process, so i can be alone quicker.
i'm not really sure why i'm suddenly feeling like this, but i've been getting more nightmares as well, so it might just be fatigue.
i'm so tired. i feel like i should be doing something, but i'm not. i'm not even sure what i'm supposed to be doing! that kind of feeling.
sometimes i feel like one day i'll just completely lose myself and my emotions as much as i possibly can again, so it's easier for me to get through life.
but thats what this diary is for! when i read the words i've written out in front of me instead of thinking them in my head, it makes me a bit embarrassed to be so pessimistic, so everything'll probably be fine. i want to try, so it'll be fine.
i don't have time to think about sad things. i need to finish the silver case.
i'm glad that i've lived this long, otherwise i wouldn't have played it.
this entry seems kind of disjointed. sorry, i'm tired. i'll write the next one during the day. thats all, i'm going to sleep! thank you for reading!
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hello! hope your day is going good!
i accidentially had a nap and i woke up at 7 again after having a terrible nightmare.
i guess i just have to remember that my brain is doing all of that stuff and not me, because it was such a scary and strange dream.
but my consciousness had to lock in and obviously sneak another togainu no chi dream in there as well, so my mom was asking me how to buy the game on steam. she was really into otome games as well for some reason.
i seriously hate dreaming sometimes. i get so scared about what i'll dream of!
i hate the process of trying to go to sleep even more though, because my brain will just conjure up these crazy images in my head and i absolutely hate it. i have no control over it, and it makes it so hard to fall asleep. sometimes i'll hear random sentences, but i mostly see strange and scary faces or images. it makes me dread having to fall asleep.
the earliest memory i have of this happening to me was when i was pretty little. i was trying to fall asleep, but i started seeing these terrible images of creepy dolls and random rabid dogs in my head, and i was terrified. i tried to close my eyes to get them to go away. but of course, they were in my head, so that did nothing.
i mostly just tell myself that i have no control over it, so i just need to accept that it'll happen and try to fall asleep anyway. but it's still pretty annoying sometimes. hearing random people's voices and terrifying images that flash into my mind randomly is scary.
this is just the human experience i guess. maybe i'll be able to fall asleep peacefully one day!
well, i'm going to sleep now anyway. i hope you have good dreams. thanks for reading!
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hey. hope you're well.
if you saw this entry before it changed, forget about the tung tung sahar thing. i'm embarrassed now.
anyway, it was raining super heavily today, it was outrageous. my whole hand was just drenched and freezing because i had to hold my hood so it wouldn't blow off. very cold!
me and my family were watching resident evil death island yesterday. my mom's already watched another one of the resident evil movies before, the one with alice in it. we had this whole argument about if alice was a real character from the games, which my mom was completely convinced of, and we just kept going in circles about it. my dad didn't care.
i finally cut my bangs yesterday as well. they were getting so annoying. what an interesting life i live!
something interesting'll happen soon probably. sorry, i'm tired. this entry sucks! it'll just have to be like this. maybe i'll have an interesting dream that i can write about. i wish that i didn't edit these entries so much, because most of the sort of interesting things get cut out. i'll try to edit them less!
thats all i have to say! i'm tired. hope you have a good day! please stay safe!
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hello! i hope you're well.
i've finished remaking the site! theres a little bit more to check out. i'm planning on adding a lot more stuff eventually, but this is the gist of it. i had to scrap so much of what i was planning for this site. the lady in the sillian archive, eiri, originally looked a bit different! but it went a lot further back than that. i went through so many different designs for this place, it was hell.
anyway, reading the dispatch logs in the poetry section can tell you a little about the characters around the website. i thought that might be a bit fun. i'll add more logs as time goes on, which is nice. they're fun to write! and the art section is pretty cool i think. i wanted to make this place a little more interactive, but oh well. i'll figure it out later on.
i'm happy that i pulled through and finished it, even if it isn't that good. i'm just happy to see that i have something to show for all of my work. i'm excited to see how long it'll take me to completely scrap all of this and start from scratch again.
also, i'm not sure if this place will ever be mobile friendly and i'm sad about that.
thank you for reading! please stay safe!
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i'm finally writing here again, and its december! i can't wait until spring because winter always makes everything cold and miserable. recently i haven't been going to my art classes because i plan on dropping my fine art course alltogether. i'm going to wait until next year to do a one year graphic design course instead of a two year fine art course. i don't mind college at all, its usually nice and chill. but fine art is something that i don't even want to do, and it drains the life out of me. it was a very stupid idea for me to take fine art when all i draw is anime girls. hopefully my art teacher won't keep getting on my case and emailing me. i hate you chris..
anyway, im not sure if i've mentioned this already, but i've read the newest chapter of hikaru ga shinda natsu. i was absolutely blown away at the twist in 41.2! i should've realized it way back. tanaka has a scar and everything! hikaru ga shinda natsu has to be one of my favorite pieces of media. a big thank you to mokumokuren for sharing such an awesome story!
i'm listening to jack da funk which was composed by hideki naganuma right now. he worked on the soundtrack for jet set radio. i just love his music so much, i wish that he could've worked on a song with perfume, because i know that it would've been the most awesome thing in the world! i love perfume. thats all! i've edited this entry about ten times now, so i'm just going to give up and leave it like this. thank you for reading! stay safe! :-)
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hey! i hope you're doing well. lately, i've been really wanting to get into the tokimeki memorial series, but its kinda tough. a tokimeki game has never never gotten released overseas for whatever reason, even though its super popular. going through the arduous process of downloading old games from the 2000s is quite tricky for me as someone with zero experience. but i'd still really like to try to play one of them! the original mainline games, girl's side, the rock paper scissors one, whatever! they just seem to be really relaxing and nice. winter break is soon, so i think i'll try to download one then.
me and my mom were looking through color swatches to choose the color of the walls in the kitchen. i liked apple white, but my dad is super picky so we'll probably have something different. she got me these cartons of tropical juice that i always used to drink when i was little as well. it still tastes good!
also, i've been going to bed at 10pm every day for about a week. i think i'm finally cured.
thats all! thank you for reading! :)
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hey! its good to see you! the weather really feels like winter now. it felt so nippy yesterday, even though the weather was quite bright outside. i thought it might not get much better, so i'm wearing a sweater today. i'm not sure what its like out there though. sometimes i like how cold it is, because the air feels so crisp. but when winter comes, wind usually does too, and it gets freezing cold. maybe i should break out my winter coat!
anyway, i was playing sweet pool earlier, and i played through the game fully for the first time. i got tetsuo's third ending, and i don't think i could've possibly got a worser ending than i did. there was absolutely no catharsis at the end. everything just felt like it got thrown into absolute chaos and it all blew up and went out in this huge gross spectacle, and then it all went away. there was no security in the fact that even one good thing came out of it, everything was just miserable. no one got a good end, and everyone was a victim. i don't even know how i feel about it, i just feel regret. what could of happened if youji had chosen differently? sadly, he won't find that out, because he's dead. but i can just replay it again.
i've been thinking about erika in that ending specifically. we never get to see her after what happened, and i wonder how she must have felt to find out that her brother disappeared. youji and erika's chat in the hospital was one of my favorite parts of the game, so that thought made me even sadder.
youji never got to follow up on his promise to makoto, and they never got to truly become friends. and if i think about zenya any more, i think i'm just going to wither away. i feel so bad for youji and what happened. he never wanted what had happened to him, and because of his actions he still ended up ruining the lives of the people around him. i wish something good would happen to that guy!
overall, i'm just incredibly sad and disgusted. but i think its a seriously good game, but i don't reccommend it at all. now i have to go through the rest of my day with this knocking at my brain.
thats all! i just wanted to talk about it. i hope you have a good day! please stay safe!
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hey! hope you've been good. the days have been going so fast lately. it feels like it'll be december in no time! i like christmas, and my sister still believes in santa so she really likes it. i wonder when it was that i realized santa didn't exist? i guess it kinda takes a layer of magic away. i still have no idea what i'd like for christmas. maybe some slippers or a blanket. my dad keeps getting foraging books every year for christmas because he likes preparing for the end of civilization! not sure when that'll be, but its still useful because there are lots of mushrooms and berries around where i live to identify.
i remember when we went for a walk and there were lots of little mushrooms on the floor and he picked one up and ate it. he didn't wash it or anything. after about an hour of searching, i think the mushrooms that we saw are called spring fieldcaps! which got a 3.38 out of 5 rating on the website i found it on lol. he said that they didn't taste like much of anything. we live around a lot of greenery and open fields, so i think that in the spring it would be nice to go out and look for some stuff at the country park thats near us.
i actually woke up at a reasonable time today! i fell asleep playing sweet pool and i had a dream about it where instead of youji and makoto being classmates, they were both apart of some occult club where they were the only two active members. youji came into the classroom and took an extremely dubious and cursed looking necklace out of a locker and they both sat down together, and then the dream ended. ???
.anyway, the dream woke me up and then i went to bed again at about 11 and woke up at 5. and i had a pecan plait and some tea for breakfast. i felt so fancy! i really want another one, but i need to leave some for everybody else as well. i've been eating good lately. white bloomer bread and pecan plaits. holy moly they're good. i've finally been waking up to see the sun lately and i can enjoy looking out of my window again! hopefully my sleep schedule doesn't crash and burn again.
i read the latest hikaru ga shinda natsu chapters last night as well, and i'm starting to think that hikaru might be toast. i'm really hoping that we get a happy ending, but i'm not so sure anymore lol. hopefully they can all save him. what about after that? won't tanaka's company be chasing hikaru for the rest of his life? im praying .. also, the new volume eight cover is crazy. yoshiki looks awesome! i preordered volume 6 in paperback back in september i think, and i completely forgot about it. apparently its coming on thursday now. i still like re-reading it in physical though, so i'm excited!
i have nothing else to say today. thank you for reading! please try pecan plaits if you havent. have a good day!
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hey! hope you've been well. recently, i haven't had as much time to write here. i've been trying to keep up with all of my classes, but its pretty stressful. i guess i don't have much motivation for things lately. i guess because of the end of the year, everything is just kind of a slog now. i'm just waiting for christmas break at this point. speaking of, i heard a christmas song on the radio today! i forgot how early they start playing them every year. it makes me laugh every time.
anyway, i've been trying to go to bed early these days. kind of. at least by 12am. so i have three minutes to write this now. i usually just wake up in the middle of the night and i have to lay there for a few hours, which is pretty annoying. i usually get home pretty late, so my day is basically all used up by college, and i lose most of my free time. so i like staying awake late at night. its really quiet as well, which is nice. sometimes i hate nighttime though, cuz i get left alone with my thoughts and i get scared sometimes. but thats why i like watching youtube!
i've been getting chest pains again. i remember spending 3 years wondering if i had some kind of condition because of them. they were so painful and frequent that it really worried me! i knew it was kind of irrational to get worked up over it because i'm pretty healthy in general, but i just hate the thought of having some kind of unknown ailment.
i spoke with my dad about it sometimes, and he hit the nail on the head when he said that they were probably just psychosomatic. i went to the doctors twice and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and i stopped worrying about it eventually. i'm usually pretty stressed out and i was feeling quite horrible for those three years in general, and after i left school, they went away completely for a while! so its no biggie.
recently, i've been really interested in a new thing lately. what a really normal human sentence. why did i say it like that? anyway, do you ever just get so fixated on something that you don't want to bother thinking or doing anything else, and your thoughts are entirely consumed by this one thing?
i usually have this feeling with two or three things at a time thats less intense, like that time i was into the process of building brick walls, random projects that i'm working on, new games, etc. but whenever i'm just focusing on one thing, i end up completely neglecting my very few responsibilities and the need to eat and sleep. i have no idea why. i just can't think of anything else, and nothing else really matters. its kinda awesome, cuz you really get a buzz when you're doing something related to your interest, but you're also really tired and hungry and gross. i have to calm myself down and force myself to move on and do other stuff, otherwise i'll just waste the entire day! i get so excited my whole body just hurts and i feel sick. but its great!
if i speak then i'm dead, but i played a demo of a game that i've been interested in playing lately, and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. seriously the best thing that i've discovered since white bloomer bread. its such an insane and wonderful story so far and i feel kind of forced to buy the full game now.
if i keep on about this i'll probably end up going crazy, so i'm going to stop here! thank you for reading, and please stay safe. :-)
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hey! hope you've been well. i haven't written in a few days. i've been kind of busy with doing nothing really. i'm back at college now, so i haven't had the motivation to do much else. i haven't made much art since either, so i'm going crazy. lately i've been playing a lot of games, which i had kind of stopped doing. i used to play videogames for hours at a time, but since i didn't have as much time i stopped doing it. i've been slacking off a little more lately, so i've had more time to throw out the window. after playing resident evil 4, instead of playing bayonetta 1 like i wanted to do i've started playing dmmd instead for some reason.
so far i'm liking it quite a lot! it has a pretty interesting story, and the characters are mostly likeable lol, i like aoba a lot. and the ui is just insane! i was so shocked by how fun it was because i had played tnc before it, and the ui in that game isn't as flamboyant i guess lol. i still love it though! its still so cool 13 years later. the story is super fun to get into, because its just so outrageous. the combination of regular old turf wars and virtual stupid rhyme battles is pretty cool, because they both create this weird mashup of aesthetics that mix together really well. i really like old technology being used in futuristic settings, like how old movies used to think about what the future would look like lol. it makes the game more refreshing because you're not just constantly fighting in one place, at least for me.
i think apart from aoba, my favorite character so far is either tae because shes real funny or koujaku. as soon as he said "you're walking on thin ice, pal" to noiz it just never left my mind and now i like him a lot. he sounded like a middle aged surburban man...
anyway, i've been meaning to eat a lot healthier lately, but i'm not too sure where to start. usually when i get home i'm really stressed, so i just start eating olives from the jar or random junk food, and drink the random juice in the fridge and then i eat nothing else. sometimes i'll make fried egg on toast. i've started drinking hot chocolate more instead of tea so i don't have too much caffeine when i go to bed, but i miss drinking tea. i guess i'll start by eating one vegetable every day. speaking of, i ate a potato today, so that counts. i guess i'm worrying for nothing! i have nothing else to say, so i'll stop here! thank you for reading this far. :-) please stay safe!
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hey! hope you're doing well. happy 1st of november! it'll be december in a month. shocker. i wonder when they'll start playing christmas songs on the radio. anyway, i writ a poem today. its been about 3 years since i've written one. i'm not sure why i stopped. i used to get a lot of my ideas on what to write from the songs that i was listening to, and there would be a certain melody or lyric that i would base my poem on. i like writing poems about romantic love the most. i'm not sure why! but i write about it a lot.
lovers that separate, co-dependent lovers, bitter lovers, grieving lovers, all sorts. but i like writing people that are happy together most of all! i have absolutely no real experience in poetry - i just write down whatever mood or feeling i think best suits the story i'm trying to tell, so my writing is quite bad lol. i write about nature a lot as well.
anyway, recently i've been listening to a lot of goatbed, and i love them. i've also been listening to genesiskeys a lot.
anyway, goatbed has such a unique sound and i love their music! the first time i ever heard their music, aoba was on the album cover and i was wondering why he was there before i knew they did some songs for dmmd. apparently there are some songs by goatbed in slow damage as well, which is kinda cute. you can hear curriculummachine as well i think.
i wanna play witch on the holy night! and i wanna play dmc 1! but i have to finish the book that i'm reading first. there are so many things to do in this world. its very fun. i could live for another thousand years and i bet i'd never get bored! it was quite nice outside earlier, but its darker and cloudier though. i like taking photos from my window. i'm gonna go and take one right now!
i ended up taking a picture of something else.
well, i have nothing left to say. i hope that you had a nice halloween. thank you for reading! please stay safe!
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happy halloween! are you gonna dress up? i like seeing other people's costumes. for some reason, i never dress up anymore. i really like halloween, or any sort of popular festivity. people seem to be in a much happier mood and its nice. i like sweets as well. we always get too much, so they last for a while after.
today's entry thumbnail is two creatures that i drew. i was drawing roro and it wasn't going the way that i wanted it to, so i got so sad and had to stop drawing her. i drew these guys instead. the one on the left is themed after a sunflower, and the other a strawberry.
i want to draw more interesting things. i guess thats why i'm not very happy with the things that i'm making right now. but everything'll be alright! i'll draw something that i like a lot more next time. its getting darker a lot earlier these days, isn't it? i get home around 5 or 6 every day, and its already dark by then. i like it, unless its super rainy. i hate it in the morning though, cuz i like the daytime. spring and summer are my favorite seasons, but winter is nice sometimes too. i started reading tess of the d'urbervilles, finally. i had a lot of trouble finding the energy to start it for some reason, and i ended up procrastinating and reading a pdf of the brothers karamazov instead for a while. i don't mind it actually! tess is a very sympathetic character. now i finally dont feel so behind in my class. i just heard a random bang on my wall. its getting lighter now, so i turned my light off so i can see the sky. i'm so hungry right now, so i think i might go downstairs to get breakfast then go to bed. but i'll probably just fall asleep!
lately i've been wanting to play the silver case, so i think i'll get the demo and try it out. i've heard a lot of great things about it, so i'm excited to play it! alright, i'm too tired to go on. thank you for reading! please stay safe. :-)
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hello! hope you're doing well. do you wanna see my best friend momo?
he's cute! and he's always smiling with a funny face. i wish i could look as excited as momo all the time. recently, i've been feeling like i'm being bludgeoned to death. i'm not sure why, maybe because its winter. things always got a lot worse for me when the cold hit. i really hate feeling like this, because i feel like a liability for other people, and i feel terrible about it. it sucks! i wanna do cool things and have fun! but i just feel so exhausted.
i have a vivid memory of a time when i was waiting for the school bus on a terribly cold and miserable winter day, and the world felt so grey. i was just staring at the trees, and it felt like nothing was real. the trees weren't real, my family weren't real, the sky wasn't real, the wind wasn't real. it felt like i had died, and i was just wandering around as a ghost. like a vengeful ghost lol. i was angry all of the time. sometimes i snapped back into reality and realized "wait, i'm alive", but most of the time i was just living in a world completely empty of what made it so special. its a weird feeling to try and describe. my mind was just so clouded and distant, it kinda sucked! luckily, everything from back then is quite blurry in my mind now.. i'm still alive now, and that's all that matters. rather than that super sucky memory, i try and think of christmas instead to cheer me up and look forward to winter.
i love christmas! i like seeing my family and having fun with them. we're having an early christmas this year because my grandparents are going to sri lanka around christmas time. there'll come a day that i'll see them all for the last time, and i'll have to live the rest of my life with them gone. someone that i love so much becoming a memory! what-ifs and the future drives me crazy! its so annoying. i used to think of death all of the time, so much that it scared me to death.. pun.. and i couldn't live my life normally. i thought about what it could be like to die every minute of every day, if i wasn't trying to distract myself. it terrified me so much, i'd just cry about it. how stupid is that? its out of my hands, so what am i supposed to do about it? i'll cross that bridge when i get there. i was just driving myself to hysterics for no reason.
enough of that, i'm sad now. mmm i think i'm hungry. i need a waffle. apparently you're not supposed to eat late at night for some reason, i think its because you can't metabolize your food or something. but i like eating at night because it makes me sleepy and i can go to bed easier. i said my dad could eat my big mac earlier, but i really regret it now because i'm hungry. he better have enjoyed it. i should probably go and eat my waffle before i'm too tired to go downstairs. i wanna show you something before that.
thats all. next entry won't be so negative. have a good day! :-)
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finally.. the first new diary entry! i've finally finished the new diary. i couldn't wait any longer to put it out there, so theres a bit of a juxtaposition between the main site and this new diary lol. i'll start with the main site soon! i decided to redo it again. rather than moving all of the old diary entries here, i just decided to link the old diary because i wanted to preserve it. but man, this took some serious effort. but i'm quite happy with it! it's much more pleasant on the eyes. i do miss the griminess of the older one, but i tried to stick with a mostly dark color palette again. the hardest part of this page was probably matching all of the colors! choosing a font was pretty hard as well, and positioning things... like the buttons.
its strange to think about the fact that even going back by a year, i couldn't imagine making something like this. i never would've thought that i'd get into coding. i'd always wanted to try it, but i thought that it was too hard to even attempt. even if i'm still quite amateur, i'm quite proud of myself!
anyway, if you're wondering why i'm writing so normally right now, its because i'm still in the phase of wanting this place to look presentable, so i'm trying to write as normal a possible lol. i managed to sneak the entry thumbnails back in as well! i was struggling to try and find a way to make it look good. i'm supposed to be reading tess of the d'urbervilles for my english class right now, but instead i'm doing this. maybe i should've taken computer science instead. kidding. i have to read 20 pages every day for 6 days, and then i'll be caught up with the other guy in my class who started super late. i used to read an insane amount, probably because i was so lonely. but i don't read that much anymore. the last book that i read was confessions of a mask by yukio mishima, published in 1949.
update! back when i wrote this entry originally, i wasn't very enthusiastic about mishima. but i appreciate him a lot more now. i really did enjoy reading it.
thanks for reading!
