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welcome to SILLY's diary!!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
i wondered what else i should do with this place...and since its mine, i decided to write a diary. i know its a little foolish to put all of my stuff out on the internet like this, but i thought, "isnt it better to know a little more about the person who created the thing you're looking at?" thats for me at least. i always try to find interviews with artists or game developers to get a better understanding of what they're like. maybe thats just me. also just cuz i like writing random stuff. sorry!!!! if you get something out of my ramblings ill be very happy. now that i think about it, wouldnt this be more like a blog?? this seems too ominous to be a blog though. sorry again!!
hello! i hope youre good. today i woke up at 8pm. my sleep schedule has been hell lately, and its probably cuz of sillian. i work on the new site just about every day and i end up working pretty late. i went to bed at 11am yesterday. but theres been some progress! today's entry thumbnail is the wonderful new accidental mascot of sillian. thats kinda a half joke, but i made a small mistake while coming up with the design for the new site. the background of the new site is some of my art. i hadnt specifically made it for sillian, but i thought it would be pretty nice. its a drawing of my newest oc kanade, but somehow i ended up drawing him completely different to how he actually looks. that was the very first time i had ever drawn him properly, so his design was still kind of up in the air. even his personality wasnt really set in stone, so i was just sort of experimenting with what i wanted him to turn out like. anyway, he looks and acts completely different now, so kanade is kinda stuck in limbo where im drawing two completely different designs of him. i ended up with a pretty light color palette for the first time i had drawn him, and he ended up with red and blue hair somehow. he also looked pretty happy, which is not what kanade is now (sorry kanade). anyway, because i used this background of him on the new site, i thought "why dont i make a matching cursor of him?" which was my second biggest mistake. why am i drawing him with a completely different design. hes pretty cute i think.. but hes not suppose to be cute. hes a grown ass man in the yakuza in the 80s. he has a strict code of honor to abide by... NO RED HAIR. he also wears glasses now and a gross old boring t-shirt and suit jacket. safe to say that he is quite the failure, and quite miserable. hes the counterpart to my wonderful awesome stupid creation called yamada. hes a funny guy who does funny things. he lunges at bad guys and beats em and laughs about nothing and gets pumped by everything. i like him a lot. i drew him in my sketchbook once, and i thought "im gonna stick with this guy" and then i had to create a whole story for him. i like tough guys with no brain, so i think hes real nice. i had always wanted an oc with silver hair, i think it just looks really pretty. he ends up killing a man from a rival clan and he goes crazy with guilt. yada yada retribution. i havent really figured it out yet. but i just love him hes great. IVE GOTTEN SO OFF TRACK. im sorry. RIGHT KANADE. ive accidentially made his old design the mascot of sillian. ill probably just use his old design and personality and change his name.. idk ill choose a new name when the new site comes out. anyway back to yamada. hes completely different to my other oc from another story, called mima shirokane. hes kinda hard to describe. ive put so much work into him and now hes finally human. i hate it when i have no content to actually show you and all i can say is "hey look at my blorgy and quambo arent they cool". so ill just say i love mima shirokane!! whos mima shirokane? i dont know, too long to explain. maybe ill draw the whole story one day. ill have to force myself. thanks for facing incomprehensible silent hill type monsters in order to save humanity and free yourself from grief and the shame of individuality mima...ill just go back to my padded room and talk about my blorgy and plongydooks on my own then...dagabonks and jabadabas and whatnot. anyway, hope you had a good day. what did you do? any cool stuff? no? thats fine. me neither. more days ahead to be cool! if you did do cool stuff, im glad. i bet it was cool!
i was going to end this entry there...but then then i remembered kuzuha. the one from nijisanji. i dont really know anything about nijisanji itself, but i like kuzuha. hes fun to watch. i saw that he has a lot of videos playing pawapuro, and ive been playing that recently but i suck. so i thought watching them might help me get better. his streams are fun. but i seriously dont know why he has that stick in the corner of every single live. can someone please tell me? why is that stupid stick always there?? am i missing something big? i was watching him play sf6 and the stick kept distracting me. its so stupid. i think kuzuha is a cool liver. hes come a long way from when he first started. real funny. ok ill end it for real now. thank you for reading and please stay safe!!! :)
this entry contains heavy topics such as depression, suicide, and self-harm. please read with caution.
hello! i hope youve been doing well. tonight i feel like i did back when i wanted to die. written out in front of me, that sounds terrible. every time im feeling not up to shape i always tell myself, "DO NOT WRITE IN THE DIARY." because the people unfortunate enough to read an entry of me just talking about how sad i am will have that sadness stick to them. i guess im the type of person who would rather bear a burden alone and leave other people oblivious to it out of their best interest. but i dont want to just think about it. i want to write it down. because i dunno. i guess it makes me feel better. i have no idea what this entry will be about, but ill write some triggers at the top after im done. maybe ill gain some spontaneous hope and this entry will be cookies and cream. that would be quite cool.
if i go back to why i started this diary, it would have to be when i discovered a certain site..i wont say just in case.. you've probably seen it, its usually on the neocities website page. cuz its awesome. i read their diary, and man i really felt. i dont know how to describe it. it just really felt like i was staring into all of my problems and flaws. it was nuts. i really related with certain parts of their entries. and because i was looking at some of my own insecurities and flaws, i began to feel quite miserable. i had to face myself and acknowledge that i was running away. i was purposefully ignoring what was making me miserable. it was too much effort to fix. id rather just live on, using as little energy as possible, just scraping by. even now, i try and forget who i used to be. i hate thinking that i havent changed. maybe im just stuck in the same old loop and i dont realize it. maybe ive gotten nowhere. anyway! i got hit with quite the tidal wave back then. and i needed ideas for my site, so i thought, "ill create a diary." i still enjoy going back to their diary, even if it usually makes me feel quite sad, because it makes me feel less alone. man, at least im not the only misery guts out here. i guess thats how it felt. i like their diary a lot. i was debating if i should send them an email...
heres a topic ive been thinking about for a while; my self harm scars. i dont get to speak about them, cuz i can never bring the topic up naturally. sometimes i wish i could. my boyfriend saw them for the first time the other day. i prepped myself. "ive gotta let him know eventually. it might as well be today." honestly it was a terrible idea and i ended up scaring the life out of him. i felt very bad. i just had my sleeves rolled up and i was watering my plant in the bathroom with him for some reason. and i got the reaction i was expecting. i wanted to bring up the topic, but i was also super evasive, cuz its a pretty sore topic for me. cuz of that, it went pretty bad. i didnt look up a wikihow article. i wanted to talk about my scars, but i didnt want to think about how i felt back then when i made them, or burden him with a thing that honestly doesnt really matter. he asked me if i wanted to talk about them, and if i was okay, and stuff like that. right then, i couldve confided in him, but i didnt. its a serious problem that i have. and then i mope around on my own. i cant confide in anyone. maybe its cuz of how i was raised, but man its super annoying. i just wish i could change. but baby steps! i cant just expect to change such a fundamental part of myself overnight.
back when i was self harming, i remember thinking "im going to have these for life, but whatever, ill deal with that when the time comes." what a mistake that was. especially during summer. sure it gave me short term relief, but now i have to deal with wearing long sleeves when im out in the blazing summer heat, and i have an annoying reminder of how much i was suffering back when i made them. i still remember exactly how i felt. i'd get in the shower and id feel blistering painful heat when the water touched my arms. id have this terrible pit in my stomach. and i felt disappointed in myself. they were so deep that when i looked at them i felt sick. they were disgusting to look at before they started to heal. my mom saw a scar over my sleeve, and she asked me what it was. i just said that "it was nothing". then nothing. i guess she didnt want to think about the possibility that i had did what i did. but i now have another very nice memory related to my scars because of her. she always helps make me feel better about them. by saying that i should just stop covering them up, or by buying me products to help them heal better. she really keeps it out in the open. it makes me feel less ashamed. the biggest feeling i get when i think about my scars is shame. bright red markers reminding me that with just a small slipup i could go back to how i was before. i never, ever ever want to feel like that again. sometimes it seems like im falling back down into that deep hole again. ive tried so hard. its so hard to just live my life without feeling like im going to collapse again and end up in misery or be dead. no way. its too hard bro. and it takes up so much of your energy just trying to survive like that. its like you reset back to default caveman survival instinct settings and all you can do is sleep and eat sometimes. when i look back at how much ive improved, i dont wanna flush away everything ive worked for. life is too hard for me even now. i dont wanna go back into a major depression cuz it was hell. i deserve to live man. i felt like i had let so many people down. i want to live so much.
im really sorry if this entry flows weird or it has no real conclusion. and if i sound different. its really just all of my thoughts that come to my head in the moment. i usually think quite hard about what im going to write with my entries, and i edit them a few times for you. i hope it isnt too much of a bother. this was some unfiltered lore, so its gotta just be me rambling about nothing for a whole entry. i feel a bit better now :) thank you for reading. and please stay safe. entries will be back to normal now!!!
hey! hope you're alright. i just had one of the funniest and bestest dreams of my life, so before i forget ill write it here. i woke up like 3 minutes ago. alright, it all starts with hikaru and yoshiki from the summer hikaru died being stuck in a scary dark forest in roblox. the place looked like a classic roblox map but it was all dark and dense with forest. hikaru goes to explore a scary (roblox) house and finds a strange symbol carved on the wall and presses his hand against it. he then gets swallowed up by a hole, and he goes to my dream's version of hell or something. during all of this yoshiki is exploring the forest outside, but then he realizes hikaru is missing. he goes to find him and comes across the house, and he sees that the symbol carved in the wall is smoking and charred. he starts freaking out, and then basically the devil appears. he tells yoshiki that "you will never see your friend again, hes in hell" or something along those lines. my dreams dont have much talking in them. then yoshiki goes nuts and starts losing his mind at how he looked away for 10 seconds and hikaru is now in a different dimension. yoshiki begs the devil to let him into hell just so he can see him again, and the devil agrees and sends him down there as well. yoshiki is taken to a place that is reminiscent of a castle, with tall lightly colored cobbled walls and nice deep aqua carpet that seemed to go on for an eternity in a straight line. there were no rooms. you could only walk straight. it was quite bright in there. there were windows sat in rows along the whole castle, but all that you could see out of them was bright white light. anyway yoshiki starts exploring the castle, probably going absolutely nuts, i cant remember. then he reaches a door somewhere, and he opens it. it was a brown slab oak door with a bolt and chain on it. if u care lol. looked like it was from the 18th century. anyway he opens the door to a dead end. but theres a broken window, a note, and another one of those symbols carved on the wall that was also smoking and charred. long story short, hikaru found a way to escape hell to go and find yoshiki again, and hes back home (roblox scary forest), still looking for him. yoshiki is still stuck in hell with no hikaru. i dont know what was on the note, or why there was a broken window. then the dream ended. i am so into this series and it has now entered my dreams. they make me feel sick. it was one of the best dreams that ive had for a long time, along with the time that leon kennedy and phoenix wright were playing baseball together at sports day. anyway, i hope you enjoyed.
lately, ive been working on sillian way more. im not sure if its because its sillian's 1st anniversary on the 9th, but ive been doing nothing but work on sillian all day. i like listening to asmr while i do. im listening to this right now. im a big fan of this guy. ive been working on the new landing page. it looks way different. like incredibly different. its much less chaotic and it looks a lot prettier lol. i made a little easter egg site for my boyfriend in like 10 minutes, and put it in the corner of the new site. if you'd like to see it, its down below! sadly its not on the new landing page anymore.
i was worried that because its so different people might find it blander and less interesting. but im trying to put all of myself into the new site. im not sure if there are any long time viewers of sillian lol, but if there are, thanks a lot. and i really hope you like the new site when im done. since the 1st anniversary is coming up on the 9th, i was hoping to finish it by then. but thats totally impossible. but its definitely coming. :D i feel pretty terrible today, which is rare. i never really get sick. working on sillian is a headache but its also relaxing for me at times. so i guess im doing this for the next month or so! anyway, thanks for reading. this is the first thing i did when i woke up cuz i didnt want to forget about that dream. ill go do everything else now. thanks for reading and please stay safe. :)
hey! hope youve been doing well. ive had a very eventful day. i had leftover fishcakes for breakfast. did u think today was about the summer hikaru died? four entries in a row? no no no... this entry is about another hikaru !! i consume a lot of tbs slop, so when i saw that cinderella closet was available in my country i really wanted to watch it. its about a woman named haruka befriending a crossdresser named hikaru whos a cosmetology student. shes insecure about her lack of femininity, and hikaru helps in getting her confidence back. hikaru is funny. haruka is funny. watch if u like. i like it.
ive been drawing today! and absolutely everything is going as planned and everything is going perfectly obviously definitely. i was gonna start this as "i dont know if you know, but im an artist" because i forgot that the main landing for sillian is literally just a bunch of my art. i forgot since its been so long since it was updated. whoops! but yeah. i really suck at drawing, but when i look back at the past 7 years and i see how much ive improved, it kinda snaps me out of thinking "wow, i suck so bad!!" because i used to suck a loot more. its nice to look at my progress and feel a little proud. small steps at a time! im glad i started drawing. i got into it seriously because of my two friends sissy and dhiya from middle school. sissy was seriously so good at drawing. she showed me a channel called love2drawmanga and i used to watch her videos religously after she introduced me to it. she'd show me stuff that she had drawn and while i cant remember at all what she had drawn, i remember thinking that it was wonderful. i guess i was jealous of her, and i wanted to get better. i started drawing more, and they'd tell me that my art looked good even when it very much didnt, and eventually i got hooked on art. i dont know what drew me to it in particular, because my memory is so terrible i've forgotten most of literally everything. id say that i was a creative kid in general in the first place, so it was inevitable. i cant see myself doing anything else, and i never really had any real concrete hobbies or skills before i started drawing. and now this has been my life. and its very fun! if i couldnt draw id probably be living in a cardboard box somewhere under a bridge. im glad that i didnt give up drawing when i was embarrassed that i sucked, and i pulled through. my dad told me the other day that i'd just draw eyes for hours upon hours on end to get it perfectly right. id always say, "i suck, i should just give up" and my dad would have to encourage me and say that i just need to keep practicing lol. and its true. now i suck less, and im happy. its worth putting effort in, because its just inevitable that with practice, you'll get good. you just gotta get through the rough patch. usually i dont really like sharing my art with my family (cuz JUST LOOK) so i dont get many chances to get feedback or anything. my dad is the dude for that. ive been meaning to mention this for a little while now, because i writ about it for like 2 seconds a while ago. and that is the fighting game incident. this may have been the complete dealbreaker in me never showing anyone my art again. this left me in constant shock and horror for 2 weeks. let me explain.
basically, this whole story starts at me getting interested in hiroaki hashimoto's work in King of Fighters. i just think his art is magical. i always wanted to try drawing people fighting and looking all cool, cuz i like drawing people with intense expressions in dangerous situations. you might see where im getting at here. long story short, i drew two characters i had completely made up for the occasion, and i tried to imitate hiroaki's spunk. two dudes fighting. you get me? they didnt look like they were fighting. something else. AND MIGHT I ADD THAT THIS WAS COMPLETELY UNINTENTIONAL!!! I THOUGHT THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE FIGHTING!! i was pretty proud of it. i thought it looked cool. i wanted to paint it in watercolor, so i printed it out and left it on my desk. then my dad came in and looked at it, and this interaction took place:
"did you draw this?
"no.."
"ah. i dont approve of this."
and then he left. and obviously i was confused because i didnt know what was wrong with it. i just thought it was two dudes fighting. i racked my brain with what he couldve possibly meant. i even asked someone else to look at it and eventually i caught on that it did not...look like two dudes fighting. i lied and said that i didnt draw it cuz i thought he didnt "approve of it" because it looked bad. he sounded like he hated it. i was shocked, cuz he'd never said anything like that before. then i had to swallow my pride and go downstairs to explain that i did NOT !!!!! intend for the final outcome to look like anything other than two dudes engaged in a fearsome and gruesome battle to the death. i said, "ive been having trouble drawing dynamic poses lately." and he eventually caught on that the thing that he had seen was drawn by me, and i had to explain that i wanted them to FIGHT!!! sadly the composition was quite compromising. he said he thought that i had just printed out gay art from the internet and left it on my desk because it was "drawn really well". he thought it looked too good to be made by little old me and he just assumed it was from a comic or something. thanks dad. he said i could make a living drawing comics of that stuff. at least he said it was drawn well. sure he was surprised, but at least he complimented it! alls well that ends well. i had a permanent feeling of dread and embarrassment permeating all corners of my life for weeks. even to this day he STILL brings it up from time to time when i talk about my art. and its terrible because the jokes he makes are super funny but i HATE bringing it up cuz it was so embarrassing lol. its a terrible inside joke. i think if anyone else found out, i'd be off to the hills and living in a makeshift nest forever. i lost the full image because i wanted to get rid of it so bad, but i still have some small fragments of it that i could salvage. even just looking at it brings me back to that fateful day. terrible. my dad's most recent joke about it was when he was talking to my uncle (on my mom's side) about my art. he said i was really good (why would he say this) at drawing and i like persona. he told me they spoke about it afterwards, but not...that art. or something along those lines. always the quippy little thing at the end bringing me back to the dark days. when will i be free of this. my artstyle has changed a little bit since then. i made the lineart a lot sharper and thicker. so thats the tale of the fighting game incident. thank you for listening. safe to say that i will never be drawing anyone fighting again. ill make it the thumbnail of the next entry to honor the fighting game incident. i will never forget.
hello, i hope youve been doing well! its been a little while...can you guess what im about to write about? i can hear you saying "hey SILLY! shut the hell up about the summer hikaru died!" but i think this series has had serious implications on my health, so i think before my last moments are up id at least like to write about it...one more time...augh...so, anime hikaru and yoshiki are about to start the journey towards some serious armageddon grade doomed events, and manga hikaru and yoshiki have already gotten there. the translation for what hikaru is saying in the top right corner is "yoshiki, im back", from the newest chapter. they have repeated the events that their ancestors caused a few hundred years ago again, as yoshiki made his wish to "hikaru" for him to come back from the other side safely. as an illegitimate, "hikaru" granted his wish, but as tanaka said, they often end in tragedy. yoshiki's reaction to the event that he indirectly caused is in the bottom left lol. they both put all of their trust into one another, but the situation that theyre in kinda made it impossible for them to reach the end of the tunnel without something terrible happening. i dont wanna spoil it. it was nuts. that panel of hikaru in the top right broke my heart a little, cuz he looks so happy to be back. i seriously feel so bad for him. someone....reach in and save him....aughhk...take him to blue lock...my final words...huuggghkkk....when i start to think about what kind of mess theyre in, it drives me nuts. hikaru indoh got possessed by a creature which granted his ancestor's desperate wish to bring back his dead wife, which was worshipped by his village for 300 years. hikaru indoh's death was indirectly caused by "hikaru" as he was the entire reason that hikaru indoh was on the mountain in the first place - to trap "hikaru" aka unuki-sama on the mountain. he took his place and did the EXACT SAME THING THAT HE CAUSED 300 YEARS AGO WITH HIS BEST FRIEND!!! AGAIN!! WHAT HIKARU'S ANCESTOR DID OUT OF PURE LOVE FOR HIS WIFE, "HIKARU" DID THE EXACT SAME THING TO MAKE SURE HE AND YOSHIKI WOULDNT BE APART. THUNDER AND LIGHTNING AND VOLCANIC ASH AND BOOM!! the indoh family is safe from unuki-sama because they appeased it with their stupid ritual, so they have to marry their lover quick so theyre safe from unuki-sama. theres a slight problem i think.
i wonder how hikaru indoh would react if he could see all the dumb stuff hikaru was doing. they seem pretty different. i wonder if they'd get along with each other. probably. will yoshiki go insane?? will he even survive long enough to make it to tokyo?? is he capable of hating hikaru? could he end up killing him?? i seriously doubt it. i remember when he said "ill be with you no matter where you go, even if something in me breaks" which is an insane line. im not really sure if theyll make it to that big bakery anymore. im not even sure if one of them is going to end up dead at this point. im starting to bet that something even worse than that will end up happening somehow. they havent even closed up all of the holes to the other side yet. and tanaka's mysterious boss is here. what the hell is going on??? can anyone hear me??? am i shouting into the void? im going to die of stress. ive followed this from beginning to end. and i regret it so much. but now i also need this series to make sure i live to see the next week. ghuugggnnkkk.....auug...help...me...gggggghhhhhhkk.
hello its me!! its saturday, the day of the summer hikaru died's second episode release. i watched it real good. a lot stood out to me, and i loved it all. but ill definitely keep it short!! i really like it. they showed us a lot of the environment surrounding kubitachi and it made the place feel a lot more alive. the stupid cicadas, tanaka breaking into matsuura's place, and just dialogue that hadnt been seen in the manga before. certain things just dont translate well into films and tv, so i wasnt expecting for every single thing to be exactly the same. but the things they did change felt wonderful. it was nice to see the cast really come alive. one other thing ill say is that yoshiki seems a lot more awkward and pensive towards others in the manga. i mean he still seems super awkward in the anime, but i was basically laughing at manga yoshiki before. it doesnt seem as much so. people would talk over him, or he would speak real quiet and get real freakily invested in talking about something hes interested or angry about. is this just me? he seems a lot goofier and expressive in the manga, and thats why i love him. hes funny, and i feel bad for him. if i was yoshiki, i probably wouldnt have lived through what he has, i would instantly give up. even if its the manga or the anime, their situation is still terribly sad. the fact that the opening theme is titled "reunion" absolutely BEAT MY ASS when i first saw it. im not sure why. its insane that hikaru came back to him. i just cant really say all the things i want to about this series, because i cant put all of my thoughts into words. but man, it is one of the most wonderful things i have ever read. i really, really like mokumokuren's storytelling and also the portrait of nagi from blue lock they did recently. thank GOD i discovered this.
its summer in the northern hemisphere now, so ive been in the pool a lot. its real cool and nice. its a bit of a pain to get my hair wet, but its fun. ive been watching squid game with my dad 3 nights in a row recently, and i ended up going to bed at 5am because of it. sadly i dont have much to say. i have a bunch of things backlogged that i want to watch, and theyre all really cool, so i think i might watch them and write about them down here. ive left school now, so the days have gotten pretty stale. id rather chew my own leg off than go back though. i enjoy every day, even if theyre filled with nothing very interesting. i remember my old entries talking about "waaaah i only have XX months until school is over forever help me!!!!" and im still so glad i hung in there and finished it all. now i have college, and ill see a lot of my friends there. i really wanna look forward to it. anyway, thank you for reading. its 4:53 AM so im tired. please stay safe.
hello!! happy july 5th for any the summer hikaru died fans. the first episode of the anime came out today on netflix, along with the newest 37-1 chapter. very good day! the first episode itself was great in my opinion. it expanded on parts of the setting that the manga didnt by including scenes that werent orignally in it, and they didnt feel too out of place. it was nice to see new aspects of their world that hadnt been seen before, especially the montage of the students of kibogayama high going about their daily lives. seeing all of the characters come to life was wonderful. the pacing didnt seem too off, despite the fact that basically every prominent character was introduced in just that first episode. i think its interesting that the first scene we see is hikaru indoh's death, rather than 'hikaru''s true identity being revealed first. they did that in the light novel too. going in chronological order mightve just been easier i guess. but introducing hikaru first leaves you wondering what happened to the real hikaru indoh in the mountains for a good few chapters, and its pretty suspenseful. telling you what happened in the first scene kinda eliminates the whole impact that the manga had, when you got to see hikaru indoh's death. it felt a lot sadder, cuz there was a payoff. youre left in uncertainty, and when its finally shown to you, it hits you like a ton of bricks. but both are good! i have no real problem with it. the animation was also beautiful. i liked that they made hikaru's goop (idk what else to call it. monster stuff??) colorful. it was just interesting to look at. one thing that i wouldve changed is probably matsuura's death scene. i wouldve just found it more scary if hikaru wasnt shown at all in that scene, like in the manga. if you already know what his true form looks like from the getgo, its not as scary. i think its scarier if you cant see whats actually there. but the scene itself was pretty cool. yoshiki doesnt look as depressed in the anime i think. and hikaru looks like a wet dog. im real excited to see the scene where yoshiki stabs hikaru. and the one where hikaru shows up in the middle of the night at yoshiki's house then leaves straight after. that scene in the manga (and everything shortly after) really hammered home hikaru's character for me. yoshiki really gave and still has a place for hikaru to belong no matter what. i hope they dont leave too much out. i hope they still focus on asako's growth as a person as well. i love the manga very much. im sure the anime will be great as well! one scene im very looking forward to is the one from the thumbnail of todays entry. its gonna be so stupid. i havent read the raws, so i have no idea what it is in the original japanese. its probably dumb as rocks. I LOVE MOKUMOKUREN! happy july 5th! and im excited for next saturday. take care !!
hello!! i hope youre well. today im up real early. im sure you can guess what happened! im tired. so, what pushed me to write this entry at this very second is jun sazanami from ensemble stars. if you dont know what ensemble stars is, its a stupid idol boy rhythm game. you play lives and scout your token funny guy! and im mad. let me show you.
im not really sure if you can see it cuz the image in in such a horrendous quality, but you might be able to see jun sazanami down in the bottom there. its his 5 star "wild youth" card, where he and hiyori are beating kohaku to death with metal pipes. i like this card, and the bloomed version is pretty nice cuz theres a cat on his lap. i have no hate towards jun, he seems like a funny guy, but ive been dying for literally ANY other koga 5* and guess who i got. JUN SAZANAMI!!! you know what else? i saw an achievement for getting 5 jun cards or whatever before i had even started going through the cards i had gotten so I ALREADY KNEW THAT I WAS GOING TO GET JUN. I WANT TO KILL HIM. HE BETTER KEEP DOING THOSE SITUPS BECAUSE IM COMING FOR HIM. im sad....i miss koga...why... anyway, thats all i really came here to write, but this is pretty lame.
i made a little throne for my makoto plushie. also, i had waffles with golden syrup for dinner. there wasnt much else. im a little hungry right now but im too tired to eat! ive been thinking about sillian a whole lot lately. ive hit a wall. i really do enjoy working on this, but learning new things is hard. ill keep trying. i hope youll come back to see the new and revamped sillian! :) anyway, ive been making a list of things to mention in these entries in my notes app, so ill list them here. first off, "i hadnt really realized how wide my doors are." off to a great start. "i sneezed while laying with tea in my hand, and it went all over my shirt." that one happened recently. i was real sad. it was my simpsons shirt. "started thinking about the summer hikaru died and i mustered tears of joy." i really did squeak out 2 tears. i remember thinking about tshd in one of my exams, and i couldnt keep still. it was a terrible idea, cuz i had gotten about 3 hours of sleep and was delirious. but it was real fun. and finally, "ive been watching nijisanji livers lately." bascically only jp livers, but i used to watch alban sometimes!! i like chronoir a lot, i always end up laughing out loud whenever i watch them. i think my favorite one might be the episode where kaida haru did an impression of levi ackerman. it was so bad. or the episode where they prank called leos vincent and only used prerecorded lines to speak with him. god that was funny. i dont really know much about nijisanji at all, but man is chronoir fun. kuzuha might be my favorite. nijisanji is very interesting! im quite clueless about it though. akagi wen. i have nothing else to say! well im happy you read to the end. this entry is kinda sucky, im sorry. not much has been going on! oh i did leave school though. i finally finished. im very happy. im burning my uniform tomorrow. thank you for reading!!
hello!! i hope you're doing ok! it feels like its been so long since i've written anything here... i've been doing exam after exam, and i was so tired i couldnt do much of anything else. i just thought, "yeah, ill do it tomorrow..." for about a month. but im here again! my last entry was on the 12th, and now this one is too! funny coincidence. anyway, you mightve noticed that today's thumbnail is of a creepy doll. her name is yukina, and she finally arrived today. i like collecting porcelain dolls, so i have a few in my room. most of them are of clowns, but i now have two very pretty porcelain dolls, yukina and leona. i think her eyes are especially pretty, but my mom said her eyes look sunken and dead. very nice. her dress is made out of a wonderful velvet, and it feels lovely. i think she looks really cute, but everyone i asked seems to think that shes really creepy. my dad is especially sensitive to scary looking stuff like dolls though, so im not very surprised. poor yukina. :( up until now, leona was all on her own as the only non-clown doll i had, but now she has a friend. very cool. moving on.
recently i found out quite an interesting story about my mom's cousin (i'll call him S to lessen confusion). i had to get up my notes app because i writ it down. so, heres what i wrote: S almost got killed by a samurai sword. he was having an affair with a woman while her boyfriend was in prison. the boyfriend got let out of prison and came back to find his girlfriend having an affair with S. S was chased into the street and got slashed in the arm by the samurai sword. his arm is still messed up from it, but "his job is robbing drug dealers so he has been stabbed a lot." S got put in prison for robbing a jewlery store (with his own car, by the way) and shoplifting. still in prison for shoplifting for 18 months. and thats the story! i havent seen him in years, and we dont get along very much. i take after my dad's side of the family much more than my mom's side. its very nice that my mom managed to be a very kind person after being raised by people who most definitely arent. but im glad! when i heard the story i couldnt really believe it, but when i started to think about it, it seemed like something that one of my mom's relatives would do. well i hope you enjoyed that story!
ignore how low quality it is i cant keep messing with this stupid png anymore
more hikaru ga shinda natsu! i read the latest chapter (36.3) a little while ago and im not really sure what'll happen next. the image on the left is the last page of it. yoshiki's arm looks seriously busted up now. hikaru mustve clawed for his life back out of that hole, but its strange to me that even though a piece of him was still with yoshiki, he couldnt come back over to the other side. what even happened? did he get ambushed by some random spirits and was too weak to fend them off and run for the hills? hes literally lost half of his life force, but honestly im not really sure. if yoshiki goes back over to the other side to find him, he wont be able to come back because hes a majirimono now. im not really sure what yoshiki'll do, but itll probably be alright. i've finished rereading from the beginning because i got bored of waiting for the newest chapters, and i noticed a cute thing in chapter 14, volume 3. when yoshiki goes into hikaru's room, you can see his desk, and on it is the clay cat hikaru made back in elementary school with yoshiki. he also kept the second little hairclip he originally meant to give to yoshiki, but now they have matching mincemeat-esque hairclips 😭 i thought that was a pretty nice little detail. i took a break and ate pork fried rice. it was good. anyway, hikaru might be my favorite character. hes a very funny little guy, and extremely interesting. the anime is coming out on july 5th on netflix, and while im excited for it, im also slightly dreading it. not because im worried itll be bad or anything, but because my dad said he'd watch it once it came out as well. im a little worried about chapter 4 because it is SERIOUSLY REALLY REALLY BAD. how am i suppose to explain how this scene is important to the whole story without sounding like i belong in a padded room? im going to get badgered for weeks about this. i dont even want to talk about the fighting gayme incident. we were scrolling through nothingness on netflix, and he recognized hikaru cuz i left my copy of volume 1 on my desk and shouted, "look its your book!" (im not mokuren lol). im kinda cursing myself from 5 weeks ago now. least its chiaki kobayashi voicing yoshiki. i guess itll be worth it! i watched trailer 2 and that got me really excited. i wonder how much of the story they've adapted? i hope its a lot. anyway, im very glad that i've written here again. i missed it quite a bit. please stay safe, and thank you for reading this far. :)
i hate him with an austere might. i wish to bear his gnarled head upon a platter and chomp on it like a ferocious beast that has been deprived of sweet nourishment since the blistered cold of winter.
May 12th 2025, 9:32 PM
hey! nice to see you. my day started terribly, which isnt usually the case these days. even before i had fallen asleep the night before i was unbearably hot and clammy and it felt like no air was circulating around the room at all. i just kept thinking "why is it so hottt nooo whyyy" (say it in your head if possible for full effect). being all shivery and boiling kinda made me feel like a neurotic and unstable russian man, its hard to explain. just reminded me of raskolnikov. theres a certain charm in it somewhere. maybe it was the mix of adrenaline and being so tired, it felt like i was going crazy. weird feeling. anyway, then i had my first nightmare in years, and of course it was about clowns. a clown and a random lady broke into my house, and the clown was chasing me around everywhere. to escape, i had to coax the woman outside in order to avoid both of them killing me. i got the woman outside on the street and restrained her, and i shouted for someone on my street to call the police, and no one did. it was silence. no one came out. it sort of got me thinking about my uncle's drunken domestic battery case. i just removed the craziest vent of my life after editing this. please stay safe!
anyyway. MY BOYFRIEND HAS STILL NOT READ CRIME AND PUNISHMENT. i ask him every now and then what chapter hes on, or what his favorite character is, (obviously it should be rodia) and he just bullshits an answer. hes on like page 5 or some shit. its been months. he instead opted to read "the history of martial arts", which is infinitely more culturally relevant and important than one of the greatest novels ever written. i dont really care, i just love exaggerating. please, if you're reading this YOU: GET PAST PAGE 10 YOU TROGLODYTE!!!!! anyway, this is random but ill just put this here: please listen to shin megami tensei V: vengeance's battle themes, they are so good. it soundslike im in some crazy cult made up of forgotton gods. its just such a cool sound!!
anyway, i just got terribly distracted. i was talking about my day. yeah i went to bed, woke up at 6:30 for some reason, got ready for an exam and i was so nervous i felt like i was throwing up. i wanted to talk about something else as well, but im tired so ill merge this entry withtomorro tomorrow's one. wow. some limited edition sillian behind the scenes! thats all. thank you for reading, and please stay very safe. :)
yoshiki fighting for his life after a flashback. chapter 35.4!
May 10th 2025, 10:23 PM
hey! hope youre good. last entry was about hikaru ga shinda natsu, and ive read some new chapters. nothing else to say. prepare. spoilers lol
im a little guilty about talking shit about tanaka in the last entry, because he is now potentially dead, after sacrificing himself. so sorry tanaka. please live bro youre literally 1 of 2 people in kubitachi currently who know wtf theyre doing. bro i was so getting into the asako and tanaka apprentice arc it was really fun. it was interesting when tanaka said he wasn't very good with people to asako. we dont really know much about him, but hes a pretty down to earth guy. hes cool. anyway!!! YOSHIKI!!!! oh i just love that guy. hes really grown so much. hes even fighting incomprehensible horrors now.
when i saw this i felt a neuron in my brain flicker on like a lightbulb. "so if i get swallowed up by a hole, ill die, right? then what? maybe i'd see hikaru again. but what about "hikaru"? i felt like jumping up and down and cheering from joy. then he went "GAHK" and "WAAAAAAGH!" and tried to escape with his life, and yeah we've made it. he finally doesnt think of "hikaru" as hikaru indoh anymore. i remember in the first 2 volumes he was going through the trenches. "YOURE NOT HIKARU!!!!11" type everything. like literally cursing himself for keeping his friend's dead body around. "waaaahhh waaahhh waaah why am i pretending everything about this is normal." im so happy to see him change like this. i wonder what'll happen to those two. will they get to that big bakery in tokyo? i hope so. i reread mokumokuren's other work, "period", while i was waiting for the new chapter of tshd. it seems mokuren likes drawing doomed couples. after i reread "period", i had a little less hope for hikaru and yoshiki. aaahhh theyll be fine. go to that big bakery bro.
i was drawing earlier, and i realized something. ive been drawing a lot of delinquent looking guys lately. maybe its cuz i read famiresu ikou and really like kyouji and samatoki from hypmic (lol) and i just like delinquents characters in general, but before i couldnt really draw scary looking guys. i think ive gotten the hang of it now and i just draw them subconsciously now. SPEAKING OF HYPMIC!!!!
ichiro yamada!!! i know im a little boring for this, but buster bros is my favorite division. i like ichi a lot. hes my favorite character! i also really like hifumi, doppo, samatoki and ramuda. i think ive seen about 4 images of ichiro without his midriff showing. WHERE IS THE WIND IN THIS IMAGE??? HES STATIONARY. AND HOW IS HE HOLDING 3 PLATES OF CURRY??? hes fun. the best ever. if he wasnt in hypmic he'd be a power ranger or something. or in kamen rider. hed be a red ranger. hes got one of the best voices in hypmic in my opinion. also jiro but no one cares about him bro 😭 wtf kind of emoji is this. hifumi also has got one of the best voices im my opinion hes literally crazy. im pretty sure kiryuin from golden bomber composed and writ the lyrics for party wo tomenaide. shou did a cover of it on the golden bomber channel and dressed up as him and everything. its magnificent. but im biased cuz im a fan lol. you can watch it here! its pretty fun. anyway ill end it here, this one is pretty long. please stay safe!
hikaru's extremely heartwarming speech. this is the most dangerous boy that has ever lived on earth's soil
May 5th 2025, 2:13 PM
hello! hope you're doing well. as i said in my previous chapter, my phone is busted so i havent been able to text any of my friends. and i get very bored without someone to talk to. sometimes i just walk around in the kitchen in circles. i wanna meet up with my friends. so i usually occupy myself in times like this by watching movies, reading books or sitting outside doing nothing in particular, if i'm not drawing. so i'm trying to finish platinum end by tsugumi ohba and takeshi obata. im on episode 20 right now. i stayed up until 4am to finish it accidentially. :( i somehow woke up at 11am though! crazy. i was basically drifting in and out of consciousness when kanade was dying. hes voiced by griffin burns in the dub! i like him. i thought kanade would be around until the end of the show, but he just up and died. im really looking forward to how it ends. ill be really shocked if mirai becomes god. im not really sure what'll happen. "mirai" means "future", so does that mean mirai will become humanity's future? so, god? because the whole point of finding a god was to make sure humanity set foot in the right direction. looking into his name to figure it out is pretty stupid. mirai can still become humanity's "future" even without becoming god i guess. i think he might just up and do something crazy. alright, im back. about earlier when i said my phone was busted, i actually have another one that i hadn't used for ages. my problem is that i had forgotten the password. and its literally only 4 digits. i had to use my laptop to completely restore it to factory settings because i forgot my apple id as well. so annoying. really makes you feel like a computer genius though, doing all of this usb using and restoring and deleting lol.
anyway, im not sure if ive written about it here, but im a real big fan of the summer hikaru died by mokumokuren. its one of my favorite interests of all time. ive been wating for volume 6 to come out in english for the longest time, but then i checked mokuren's twitter account and apparently volume 6 released all the way back in december. i had literally no idea. i was so bummed out, i was thinking, "man, ajani oloye must be working hard translating this thing real good" and i just kinda sat in listlessness. i really like the yen press translation, i cant remember if ajani's translation is the one with "home-o-sex-you-all" or "ell-jee-bee-tea". i completely forgot that from volume 2. i checked and its the first one. i then discovered that i can just read chapter by chapter on amazon for like less than a buck for each one. so im gonna do that after this. i think we're up to chapter 35? man, volume 6 isnt even out yet and im already excited for volume 7. i wonder who'll be on the cover. maybe tanaka? im not sure. a lot of people talk about the ell-jee-bee-tea line hikaru says, but no one talks about the "that girl aint no bird" line yoshiki says in the bonus chapter in volume 2. throughout tshd, ive always wondered how the real hikaru indoh really felt about yoshiki. they were great friends at the least, but im conflicted as to if "hikaru"'s feelings at the start really were his own, or if they were the real hikaru indoh's. either way, "hikaru"'s feelings have definitely developed as hes grown, as hes come to understand more about the importance of life and human connection. hikaru's feelings are completely incomprehensible, and completely hikaru's alone, because hes incomprehensible himself; hes not human and so cant feel emotion the way humans do. but he definitely feels something for all of his friends, something strong enough to be willing to rip out half of his insides for and protect maki from an angry feet ghost. hikaru doesnt need to be human. he struggles with his own conflicts and insecurities and flaws. he enjoys learning more about humans, and vice versa with yoshiki. as long as there is an attempt to try to understand each other's differences and similarities, i think everything will be ok. im very proud of hikaru. hes come very far! hes completely willing to put himself on the line, and that shows just how much he cares about his friends. he even almost went up that damn mountain even though he was terrified of being alone again, and losing the place that he can finally call home after god knows how long of existing for absolutely nothing. i think hikaru's learned a lot through witnessing personal loss from other people, and after going through his own struggles. hikaru takes initiative because of his own doubts that he can keep staying with yoshiki and the others because of his true nature in order to protect his friends, a selfless act. just by having his place that he calls home, he is actively risking the lives of the people he cares about, when all he wants is good. and a place to belong. and all he wants is for everyone to be safe, and for yoshiki to be happy, because he took him in and accepted him no matter what. and one of the reasons yoshiki wanted the absolute best for him is because he knows what its like to be a monster in some jackshit village in the middle of nowhere, where no one understands you, and where no one will accept you because of your very nature. and so they both have this crazy jackass unbreakable bond. whatever you spin it as, its pretty tight. mokuren is incredible bro. i could go on and on and on about everything tshd but ill end it here: im really glad asako is getting a more prominent role in the new arc!! i like her very much so i was happy to see way more of her. shes cool!
also, is this really the team we got going on? a folklorist who cant see without his sunglasses and owns a magic hamster. and asako. a dude who only reads picture books and contains a strange goop in his body. a clinically depressed dude obsessed with ant videos and master + master. and kurebayashi. and no maki and yuuki to be found. udekari and ashidori are fucked. could we please get the military or at the very least tanaka's stupid ass company who have been researching nounukisama for literal centuries out here. why do we have the awesome squad doing this. can we get more than 5 people going at this horror beyond human comprehension.
this official art of tanaka also got me thinking. he cant see without his stupid sunglasses right? is it specifically that pair that he can only wear? if he wears another pair of sunglasses that are identical to his usual ones, will he still be blind? do his usual sunglasses have some kind of enchantment on them that allows him to see ONLY with those sunglasses? does he sleep in his sunglasses? does he bathe in his sunglasses? at what point does he take his sunglasses off? does he wear his sunglasses in the winter, or does he also have enchanted contacts that allow him to see, but he just didnt want to get into the rules of his extremely strange curse? are his sunglasses just regular convenience store ones? what is going on here? when will tanaka shave that stupid stubble off of his chin? does he even bathe at all, let alone in his sunglasses? does he have any family to tell him to get a real job? did tanaka have 20/20 vision before? what caused this curse? the sunglasses spirit? gets me thinking. i want to learn more about him. he is curious. anyway, thanks for reading. read the summer hikaru died if you havent, its cool! stay safe :).
hello! i hope youre doing good. i realized a while ago that i've been beginning all of these entries with the exact same thing, so i guess this is a thing now. today i had a good day. i saw my family. my sister made me read one punch man volume 1. my mom said something to me today, and i couldnt get it out of my head. she was smiling at me and i didnt know why. i told her to tell me why she was smiling, because i thought i was doing something stupid or something. and she said she was smiling because, "i love and you make me smile." and she gave me this big toothy grin. i wanted to cry. it reminded me of when i was sat in her car with her and it was so hot out i rolled my sleeves up. she held my arm and went over my scars, and said "bumpy. just like our favorite road." i felt something that i just cant describe. its a feeling that you get when you know things cannot last like this forever. thats all she said to me. and then she smiled at me, and i laughed back at her. every time we needed to get rid of some garden junk we'd go down that road and it'd be so unbelievably bumpy it'd feel like a rollercoaster ride and we'd both laugh and shout about how bumpy the road was. i guess i was sad that i couldnt feel that again, but the memory is still very fun. i remember it very clearly, even with how bad my memory is. i guess i associate my scars with that conversation i had with her now. it was very warm. she didn't berate me like my dad, or call me a fool and tell me that i'll have them for life, all she did was smile at me. its been hard between me and my mom, but i still love her very very much.
anyway, moving on. i dont think ive mentioned it here before, but im a big fan of utaite. if you dont know what they are, they're basically people that take vocaloid songs and make cover songs of them in a nutshell. for a while now miyashita yuu has been my complete favorite, but i eventually drifted away from utaite for a while. literally since yesterday i've seriously gotten back into it, even though i did listen to a few songs by my favorites every now and then. i saw uratanuki's birthday live concert digest from last year, and ive seriously gotten back into it. urata looks very nice. its for his birthday after all.
here he is. singing. its weird to think that before, they wouldve just been some guys singing random vocaloid songs. now theyre seriously performing on stage. especially eve. hes seriously boomed in popularity. im very happy for him. even senra had a birthday concert. he also had a stupid livestream eating steak for christmas. i usually pretend to be a hater of urata to myself for no particular reason. maybe because its funny.
the words in the back say "merry christmas." i watched a bit of this stream, and i was genuinely baffled by it. im not really sure what else to say about this. this is the face of xyz. god help us all. i like senra. why did he put it in a ziplock bag??? i dont know. would he be called sanra?? like santa + senra? since hes dressed like santa? maybe ill finish the rest of the stream. ive completely forgotten about the context of this.
the end of urata's last year's birthday concert and he's being carried back and forth by his backup dancers across the stage in his own merch. i thought, "there really are many types of people in this world arent there." thats all.
anyway, im going to finish watching a video by urata. i was watching him play parasocial but i havent finished it yet. i guess i will after i finish writing this. yknow, its friday! i forgot! i get a 3 day weekend! the world is really good, isnt it. no matter how depressed i get, urata will always be singing a moe fanservicey song at his big age. thank you. well, i got that figure i ordered. (please see last entry!) luckily he isnt that big. i didnt realize how cool he looked. id put a picture here, but my phone broke. i cant do shit with it now. maybe ill use him as an entry thumbnail. i have him next to kaworu nagisa on my desk and akira has the same hair color so they look like twin brothers lol. i wonder if akira would've been any good as an eva pilot. probably not. i wanted to write more stuff, but this entry is already pretty long. ill write it tomorrow. i even put it as the entry title as well. oh well! ill see you tomorrow. hopefully. please stay safe. :)
hello, i hope you're doing well. i got a new laptop so i can finally type with actual an actual keyboard. :D i've been meaning to write here for a while, but i've just been too busy or trying to savour my weekends (watching youtube) so nows finally the time that i'm writing here. today i went into town. i live in a really small place, and we passed a few little villages that are basically just farmland and rich estates to get there. it was beautiful. i went with my mom to forbidden planet cuz she wanted to buy supernatural stuff there (with sam and dean. idk i never watched it.) but shes a huge fan. she got a mug of sam and dean's face on it. we went downstairs to check out the comics and stuff, but i didnt bring my glasses so i couldnt see a thing anyway. but i swear to the lord i saw two dudes getting it on in a cover i saw from a distance. you dont even know how fast i turned by head. we headed to the young adult fiction section after that, thank god, cuz my mom still likes cheesy young teen vampire books lol. i wanted to see if i could find volume 5 of hikaru ga shinda natsu because i've only read the original japanese raws past volume 4...and unofficial english translations in other places...and i want an actual paperback. dude volume 6 is crazy. please read it if you havent already.
in other news, ive started watching everyday host. i think i found out it existed from a screenshot on pinterest, but as soon as i saw the art style i knew it was made by fanworks. i really liked their animation in please take my brother away, (please watch very funny) and they have such a recognizable artstyle for all of their projects i just really wanted to watch it. i had to go on bilibili because literally nowhere else that i looked had it because its still currently airing i think. i had never set foot in bilibili until last friday. i cant remember what episode this was, (episode 3 i think) but it was so surreal.
hajime gets black out drunk after seeing a tattoo that ryouichi has on his back that IS SPELT WRONG, and wakes up on the side of the street with the same tattoo on his wrist. also spelt wrong. i love that all of these episodes just end so abruptly. theres no real conclusion and its just so stupidly fun. they're like "lets be happey together" while drinking after hajime earns 100 bucks for his first paycheck while ryouichi earns a few thousand or something. id never be able to be happy in that situation. i admire hajime's character a little. anyway i found out that yutaka kyan from golden bomber was inuyasha in the live stage play. i had no idea??? hes my favorite member!!! glad i know now. he looks pretty cool as inuyasha.
same guy btw. so stupid. i got their my melody collab shirt a while ago. the one kyan is wearing in the photocards YEAH i was so happy i got him. hes above my bed now. recently, ive been conflicted. i have some money but i wanna spend it. ive been debating what to spend it on, and im not sure. nevermind. 1 hour later and i no longer have 100 bucks. SPENDING 100 BUCKS WHEN YOURE JOBLESS IS LIKE GETTING A STAKE THROUGH THE HEART. i really wanna buy something and then the rational part of my brain says, "we dont need that. dont buy that" and then i start thinking, "ah, what if someone is literally JUST about to buy the thing i want...right NOW. if i dont get it right now ill never be able to get it again!!" so i have to buy it for no reason. clicking confirm and pay is so hard i have to shut my eyes and just let my finger slip. i want it so bad and then i regret it after. its so stupid. and now i have a figure for no reason coming in 2-3 business days. ITS LITERALLY JUST 100 BUCKS. but my heart. i couldve kept that non tangible number in my bank account. now ive exchanged it. ill probably grumble about this on here when they arrive as well. i seriously want a job so bad. but im not sure ill be able to jumble school and even just part time work at the same time cuz im just so unmotivated as it is. ill probably get one though lol. i like money. ill save up as well. my aunt works random hustler jobs just to travel around the world and buy cool stuff and see cool things. i really wanna do that. i wanna meet all kinds of people and see all kinds of things. but right now, i have volume 4 and 5 of hikaru ga shinda natsu coming. when volume 6 comes out in full i will be on that thing like a dog. i think maybe its cuz of stress. i have an art exam tomorrow and im getting pretty nervous. art is all i wanna do and if i dont pass itll make it just a little bit harder for me. i havent spoken to anyone or seen anyone. im excited to get it over with and get a good grade hopefully, but its a bit nerve wracking. well whatever happens happens! even if i fail i can just try again. why did i have to spend 100 bucks cuz of it, i dont know. but whatever lol. ive been thinking about sillian lately. its been a while since ive actually worked on sillian itself and not just this diary. ill start once my exams are over. ill have a few months of absolutely nothing. maybe ill get a job during then as well. i really wanna work on sillian again. its so fun! this entry is an absolute monster compared to the others. i just had a lot to say! thank you for reading. please stay safe!
jaehee has to have the most normal fashion sense in the manhwa but then he does this bullshit with his graphic tees. "for 🐟".
hey! i was reading Let Dai and i was super caught off guard by this one panel, because it looks like jaehee is reacting to the news of dai's grandmother dying like a youtuber recording a reaction video and i just needed to put this somewhere so i can laugh at it sometimes. imagine just waking up to dai lee of all people in your house and he shouts "MY OLD HAG IS FUCKING DEAD!" with tears streaming down his face butt ass naked in your shower and youre wearing a shirt that says "let Fish" on it.
like this ⬇️
anyway he tried to kill his grandma. sometimes this manhwa just throws the craziest curveballs at you and you have to dodge them like a wrecking ball and just keep clicking until you get to a page where dai is shouting sound effects at jaehee while jabbing him or something, and not the second coming of christ or a code black armageddon grade traumatic event. i just reread the chapter and its hit me like it intended to now. i have people i have to face with my own eyes in person who look at this place, so for the sake of all that is good, read Let Dai yourself if youre interested so i dont have to gush about the intricate workings of every character's relationships and internal conflict. my favorite character is eunhyung, shes very cute and i love her very much. please lord, strike down Dai Lee. those two are so ill they cant help but traumatize everyone around them (while simultaneously suffering the worst turmoil humanly possible). they are pushing each other off of a cliff into a pit of spikes to avoid connecting with each other while also curling up like a wounded animal nesting in a dark place for its last moments while theyre apart and it feels like i am getting closer to a stress rash with every turn of the page. I LOVE ANALYZING AND FINDING PATTERNS AND REASONINGS AND MOTIVATIONS AND JOYS. HELP ME. WHEN JAEHEE STABBED DAI HE SHOULDNT HAVE LIVED. i would like the whole cast to smile forever. anyway. thank you for reading. i havent slept, so please forgive me.
hello, i hope you've been doing well. the reason this entry is being made so early is because i have not slept. i pulled an all nighter for absolutely no reason. also im starving. i might make some waffles with honey. and maybe some tea. anything before i good back to bed. i think ill probably wake up at 8pm or something which is annoying because i have a deadline to finish by next tuesday and i am procrastinating. im just complaining :( in other news, its my birthday soon!! on the 23rd. i might get a cake. theres this weird family tradition my grandma has followed for ages for every person's birthday in my family which is to buy the same stupid chocolate caterpillar cake every single time. it has buttons on it. its like a chocolate swirl cake?? i forgot what they're called :( im happy about it though, its a good cake. anyway. im so tired and hungry cuz i neglected myself while drawing for 6 hours straight so i'm gonna go eat something. sorry this entry was kind of a nothing burger, i just don't have much to say cuz im so tired lol. thank you for reading and stay safe :D
this entry's icon is a frame from "The Case of Hana and Alice" directed by Shunji Iwai. i watched this movie a while ago, but i remember feeling like it had left a deep pit in my stomach because of the familiar feelings it gave me. it felt like it ran on forever, which was good.
hello! i hope you've been well. today, the thing that made me write this entry was a strange conversation with my dad. he sometimes gets me to teach him japanese because he thinks it sounds cool, so hes gotten into the habit of asking "hey, what does this mean?" whenever he sees it. we were talking about Metal Gear Solid 2 and how im nowhere close to finishing it, which evolved into him badgering me about i basically never finish games. he then said "you only finish games that are turn based!!!" so i asked him "what about Everybody's Golf (World Tour)?" because its a game we both used to play together when i was a little kid. it just popped up in my mind. he said "yeah, im the only one whos finished it." he then asked me what Everybody's Golf is in japanese, cuz its made by a japanese game studio. i told him, and then he started saying it out loud. i had tuned him out at that point, but then i heard him say "haha, imagine if it was "Minna no Furry" and all the golfers were running around with tails." i guess he got furry out of the japanese pronounciation of golf cuz it ends with fu? but what?? how do you know what a furry is?? i was so shocked all i said was "dont say that haha". how did my dad discover what furries are, and why did he get furry from the word GOLF??? what? i dont want to know. then again, he knows what mewing and skibidi toilet (courtesy of my little sister) is so im not sure why i'm very shocked. me and him also flicked through some old photos that he got from my grandpa cuz hes moving away soon, and we found some old school reports that he got from when he was 12. it was pretty funny to read. he told me that my sister was talking about me while they were out, and she said "it feels emptier without him here" and i genuinely had forgotten that my family actually cares about me. it surprised me and i feel kinda stupid for that. my self-esteem is just so low that i find it insane for anyone to love me, cuz i dont really see a reason for anyone to. but i guess my family does, and thats all that matters. anyway, i was just so bewildered about the conversation i had with my dad i had to put it here. please stay safe and thank you for reading!! :D
its my birthday soon. the icon for today's entry is a panel from Onna no Sono no Hoshi by Wayama Yama.
hello. i hope you've been doing well. i thought i'd write here, because to be honest i've been so busy i had forgotten to. lately i've been into Yasuyuki Okumura's songs. usually when i'm reading something i like to listen to music along with it, and i was listening to his songs while reading After School Lessons For Unripe Apples. because of this, whenever i listen to him it reminds me of it. his songs kind of remind me of Kyouji Narita from Famiresu Iko (and Karaoke Iko) by Wayama Yama because Okumura likes to say random stuff during instrumental breaks, and this is something i'd imagine Kyouji to do for some reason. also because Okumura's voice is powerful and gives off a cool impression. i've been re-reading all of Wayama Yama's serialized works, and they're still as good as i remember. please read any of Yama's work, shes incredible. all of her stories are so funny and i feel so much while reading them. i like the fact that she mainly focuses on just people's chaotic daily lives and the strange conversations you hear between people. i think this is why the dialogue in Yama's work is so unique - its the kind of random bullshit you'd hear while passing someone in the street for example, and it leaves you wondering how the hell the conversation got up to that point. its so funny. please, become a Wayama Yama fan! the next chapter of Famiresu Iko (it got left on the worst cliffhanger , Satomi and Kyouji bring me to tears.) is coming in may if im remembering correctly. anyway, earlier i was looking for my nail clippers and couldn't find them, and i thought, "man, thats annoying" and that is what pushed me to the edge to make this entry. funnily enough, i managed to find the kitchen scissors in the bathroom for some reason, so maybe i shouldn't be complaining. im planning on going out later. not to anywhere specific, just wandering. i like doing things that i dont ususally do because it makes me think, "wow, theres so much to do in life" which doesn't really make sense, but whatever. Hypnosis Mic is ending soon. i think they'll go out with a bang, but its been a long few years. the differences between their songs at the start up till now is crazy. i guess its normal cuz they've been doing it for so long. if you haven't checked out Hypnosis Mic before, check it out! oh, and i remembered to mention Sorcerer On The Rocks (see March 7th, 2025 entry) cuz i watched it. and yeah, it was cool. it was funny, and it was animated really well. so glad i watched it. im watching Initial D (and Gravitation (also very funny)) right now and im happy because Joel Mcdonald voices Takumi Fujiwara (the main dude) and i really like him so its cool. im not sure if i've mentioned it here, but im really into voice actors. it kinda sounds like the lamer younger cousin of being into actors. (?) anyway, i'll stop writing here. i'll try to get a big thing on Sillian soon because i feel bad that ive been neglecting this place. ;; please stay safe and thank you for reading. :D
i have eaten 4 sandwiches today. i literally only eat sandwiches now. maybe ill turn into one
hello!! i feel like im writing here a bit more than usual. today nothing really happened. i went to a doctors appointment at 9am. isnt that so early?? there were like 3 other people waiting to be seen. but then again, i live in the middle of nowhere. mr doctor was nice, i think he could tell i was nervous so he was extra cool. there was this real awkward moment where he asked if he could examine me and i had to take my jacket off but i had a short sleeved shirt on. i kinda just paused and didnt know what to say but he said he could examine me with my jacket still on. i pulled it down a little so it didnt get in the way that much. but man i felt so bad!!! he was really nice. i have to go for a scan soon as well. alright, thank you for sitting through my slop. sorry for no updates on sillian for a while its been exam week :( please stay safe. bye !!!! :D
hello!! wow! cant believe ive written two days in a row on here. today ive got a few things to write about. first, another dream! i feel like with the amount of entries talking about dreams makes it seem like i just sleep all day. im just tired when i get back home lol. so, heres the start of the story. i was dreaming it in the third person like a movie, but i could see myself. i was at my school and for some reason i was apart of some kind of theatre production. i was carrying some props downstairs into the hall, which seemed to be extremely important because there was just a crowd of people standing at the end of the stairs looking up at me as i walked down. anyway, for some reason i also had a cup of tea in my hand and i immediately dropped the props ( they were a santa hat headband and a yellow wizard hat with stars om it ( what kind of production were we even making?? )) and everyone stood there, mortified. no one said anything though, so i just picked up the props and made my way into the hall. a history teacher spoke to me about something or other, i cant remember what it was. my main goal at that time was just to set up some kind of light that was near the bleachers for some reason, so i did. in this dream i seemed to just be fumbling and bumbling around with no direction or idea about what the hell i was suppose to do and everyone had their eyes on me for it. this is where the dream kind of shifts into the best thing ever. ryuji from persona 5 comes bursting into the hall and kind of just starts bothering people. ken from persona 3 is also apart of this production as well despite being like 8 years old. why are they there. everyone treats this as normal obviously cuz its dreamland, and eventually ryuji just picks up ken while hes mid conversation with some poor theatre kid and carries him to some random vending machine and now akira from persona 5 and an unidentified crowd of other persona characters are also there for some reason. they all laugh and i look on at the carnage. im spoken to by everyone. why are they here. and thats the end of the dream! i do really like it when i see people i know in real life and characters i really like in my dreams. its rare for me but i enjoy it.
anyway. recently ive been into trying to find old 80s and 90s anime of various genres. i just really like the artstyles from old shows. i watched an OVA called Eiji, based on a boxing manga written and illustrated by hisashi eguchi from 1984 to 1985 that tells the story of a boy fittingly named "eiji". the manga was only serialized for a year so it was never finished. sad. but the OVA was great! the start was super cool. the beginning... began in a concert. eiji was apart of a band before he started his boxing career which he got kicked out of for asaulting the entire band, so thats why it began like that. then his boxing dreams come true and he follows in his father's footsteps and outboxes him. just kidding. the manga was dropped. but yeah, its super cool you should watch it. just type in "Eiji (1990)" into the Internet Archive and it should come up. one of the uploads on there doesnt have subtitles with it, so youll have to click the right one ( i forgot ). im just about to watch another show called "sorcerer on the rocks" also known as "chivas 1-2-3". they wanted to avoid a legal dispute with the whiskey company chivas so they changed the name lol. its a spinoff of sorcerer hunters. im going in totally blind to be honest, all i saw were frames of it. but i saw a pretty funny synopsis of it from somewhere."meet Chivas Scotch: a sorcerer with a style all his own. the opposite of benevolent and honorable, he's an arrogant and domineering misogynist who travels the lands with his (mostly female) servants, searching for opportunities to indulge his greed and his desire for female flesh. but when he comes across a scheme by a mad wizard to ressurrect an ancient god of darkness, all hell breaks loose as Chivas suddenly finds himself the lesser of two evils!" what the hell kind of show is this? just wait till i catch you chivas scotch. anyway ill report back as to what this show is all about cuz it sounds funny. im kinda scared. anyway. this has gotten pretty long. ill give you my most esteemed and highly anticipated review after i finish it. why do i just watch random shows all the way through? i dont even do it for entertainment at thst point but just cuz i dont like dropping shows halfway through. its a curse. help! well thank you for reading. please stay safe. :)
hello!! its been a while. honestly this entry was mostly made so i can complain about my dad. but ill start off with something a little bit more interesting. my mom has become a witch and has started using the book of shadows. honestly i think shes always been into witch stuff since she was little, but maybe she stopped doing it because of my dad. she had screenshots of spells on her phone lol. anyway, back to me complaining about my dad. recently hes been so grouchy and mean about everything. hes gotten to the age where his good nature has just withered away and hes mean spirited about everything. its a little sad to see in real time and i feel kinda bad for my little sister cuz she has no choice to live in my parents house for a while lol. i love my dad and stuff, hes just such an ass to me sometimes. we were flipping through photos on my phone of my family, and we saw one of me and him. he said it was "saddening". i guess im glad that i can just think "i never want to be as mean as my dad." he seems so miserable all the time. i hate when people are sad. i never want you or anyone to feel awful. so thanks dad for teaching me to not be a mean loser. i havent been out shopping for a while, so i really want to go out somewhere. itll be my birthday soon. then a month later, im leaving school. i wanna leave so bad but i know ill miss school as well. ill be stuck out in the world. ill get a job and save up. i cant wait for my birthday!!! i love birthdays. everyone gets together and has fun. anyway. im sorry this entry is kind of short. ill be back soon :D thank you for reading!!!
hey! im back. i wanted to write again because ive had another dream. (i promise i do things other than sleeping) if youve read some of my other entries, you mightve seen me talking about my recurring dreams of a guy i know that just wont go away. ive had another one. to lessen confusion, ill call him M. in this dream, i was standing in a room that looked a bit like a cinema, or at least an entrance to one. i was writing a question on yahoo answers, but i cant remember what i had written. all i remember is that at the end i had said "actually, please dont answer this question!! sorry for the inconvenience!!" and yet i had still posted it. i was walking to a weird cinema looking room as i took a look at the post again, and M was walking slightly ahead of me. he took my phone and read my post, and laughed. he said "whats with this thing at the end? why'd you post it then?" and i didnt really know what to say so i just laughed. then we kept walking. we walked to the room we were heading to, and sat down next to one another. my old computer science teacher was sitting at a swivel chair and was saying something, as an array of people i know in real life were also sitting and listening to him. this dream felt nice. again, we laughed. im just confused as to why i still have these dreams. ive been having dreams with M in them on and off for 3 years now. i dont want to have any association with him, and i dont even know who he is. i guess i thought that i was attracted to him at one point, but that was short lived. eventually i realized that my feelings werent attraction, it was jealousy. hes much taller, charismatic and prettier than me. since i realized that, i stopped thinking about him, and yet i still get these dreams. i dont know why. maybe my brain is trying to tell me something. every dream that i have with M in it, it feels kind and warm. i dont feel envious of him anymore. i wonder when i'll stop having these dreams. anyway, its pretty rare whenever i get dreams like this. but its kinda annoying to see someone i know in real life. overall, i dont really care. it doesnt really ruin my sleep. well, thank you for reading! next entry hopefully wont be a dream lol. this one was just really bothering me. stay safe and i hope you have a good day!!
hello!!! its been so long... to be honest, its a little annoying to type this because my keyboard is broken. luckily my laptop is touchscreen so i can type on the screen but im still so sad about it :( its alright. ill get a new one. recently ive been watching His And Her Circumstances. im a serious romance media fanatic so i loved this one. its a sappy romantic comedy anime between two highschool rivals to lovers, yukino miyazawa and soichiro arima. theyre two academic menaces who are at the top of their school in looks, grades, popularity and modesty - but its all a facade. theyre both secretly freaks. i love their dynamic a lot because miyazawa is just such a funny character. shes so selfish and out there and just so loudly herself, yet shes so kind and supportive of her friends. its wonderful. arima is a really cute contrast to yukino as he finds it so hard to let go of his mask and be himself. sometimes his true self slips through when theyre together, and theyre so entertaining and touching to watch. theyre two people that support each other to let go of the expectations of others and their facades, and happily grow to be themselves. watching them mess around and get embarrassed by each other's lame advances is really cute too. please, if you love watching romance, id highly reccommend it. its so entertaining! personally i watched the dub because its really good.
ive always loved the romance genre, but after meeting my boyfriend it definitely feels different. before, when i was watching two people in love, i started thinking "aww man, id love to feel something like that. im lonely. waaah" or something. but now whenever i watch something sappy, i just cant stop thinking about him. it reminds me of how much i love him and how grateful i am to him for being here. i feel so wonderful knowing that we can both support each other and we'll never be alone. my dad always used to gush about my mom and how lucky he is to be in her life and to be able to support each other, and how shes the best wife in the world. hes totally head over heels for her. way back when, i kinda just stared at him and wondered "what the hell is this guy talking about" and he kept going on and on about how its the best feeling in the world. now i kinda get that feeling a little. i feel so much happier compared to how i was before. hes helped me through so many awful feelings of mine, and i hope the same goes for him. having someone by your side is so wonderful. hes so hard to describe. i never know what hes thinking, but it always ends up being something funny. hes so awkward and ditzy sometimes and its great to kinda just tease him for no reason about it. i love it when i make him laugh cuz his smile is totally rad. (i ran out of descriptive words...) hes so awkward yet so sincere about everything. i want to make him happy. THANK YOU BISEXUALITY! man. to think id land it with a dude this cool. i think hes such a genuinely beautiful person. and he has a gay ass sister. shes great. sometimes i sit and think, "this cant be real, can it? what have i done to deserve such a great guy in my life?" honestly, i dont know. relationships are so weird man... i dont know how i couldve ever helped a person so much that they'd end up loving me. i guess i try to be a good person, but i dont think ive done much. i guess im just happy that i mightve helped him through some tough times. im glad to have someone that i can totally be myself around, for better or for worse. but obviously im not going to say all of this to his face, because im a super cool guy who cares about no one and is a total alpha babe magnet who earns a 6 figure salary and has edward norton on speed dial. (lie) anyway, im sure youre bored of me gushing about a random ditz, so lets move on.
recently with these entries, ive been feeling like i need to come up with a story to tell you. cuz who in their right mind is gonna read some random brain slop from some dude. so ill tell you a story about another dream i had. from the amount of entries of me talking about dreams, i guess you can tell how much i love sleeping. anyway, back on topic. in this dream, it was focused on 2 people from the 3rd person, just like a movie. most of my dreams are like that. one person looked like a run of the mill hustler (think of that blond homo dude from the great pretender). he was pretty buff and had blond hair. the description doesnt really matter. all that matters is that he was pretty rowdy and bubbly. the second person is who matters most to this story. she was a woman with long, silky black hair coming down to her ankles and she had a polite smile on her face. she was sat on the floor of a completely white room, combing her hair. the blond hustler dude was stood next to her, and he said "your hair is super long. you ended up growing it out?" to which the woman didnt respond. probably cuz i got woken up by my mom's dog and the dream ended. the dream itself doesnt sound that outlandish, kinda just like typical dream dialogue. but this woman seemed so eerily important. i had never met her before in real life, and ive never had a person in my dreams that looked like her. she was so beautiful it was scary. she really seemed alive, despite only being from my dreams. it unsettled me at the time. this dream has become one that is very important to me. so i named the woman maria. ive never had a dream about her since. but ive noticed that whenever i think of her, i seem to have an unexpected bout of good luck. but thats probably just a coincidence, and me trying to spruce up this story for you! well, i hope you liked it. if you ever need some good luck, make sure to think of maria. although nothing will happen, cuz shes just a dream person. or maybe not. you decide. :D alright, this entry is way longer than my usual ones. probably cuz i went through such a big gap of not writing anything here. well, i hope that you have a good day. sillian is going to be updated soon, so i hope that youll come see it. :D please stay safe. thank you for reading my slop!
WHY WONT SHE RESPOND TO ME. IM GOING TO DIE waaaaAA WAAAAAAAAA I MISS HER sooo bad. GOD STRIKE ME DOWN LEST I AM UNABLE TO SEE THIS WOMAN HWO HAS RAPTURED MY VERY HEART AND SOUL!!!! IM SO EXCITED FOR WHEN SHE BECCOMES A FLORIST LIKE SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO!! CUZ I CAN COME AND SEE HER AND SHE CAN GIVE ME PRETTY FLOWERS AND SHE CAN HAVE FUN!!! SHE DOESNT NEED COLLEGE WHATEVER GO DO FLOWER THINGS!! IM SO HAPPY FOR HER!!!
dream time
recently i've remembered a dream i had years and years ago and i still remember it to this day. ive forgotten most of it, but i remember being in a really fancy building which lots of fancy furniture and there was a really pretty lady with a red dress on. she had short blonde hair and her face was kinda scary cuz she looked like she had seen some things and she was apart of a really important organization and she had a high social status. anyway, i just got that impression. she took me downstairs and she said "heres my bmw" or something along those lines. and it was a grey bmw. and then the dream ended. sometimes i wonder who that woman was and why i had her in the back of my mind. i do not know any ladies of high social status with a grey bmw of that age. but i still remember her and that stupid ass bmw. i wish i could have another dream of her cuz she was cool. i miss that bmw. anyways! today i had a very weird day. im not really sure what to say about any of it, but i wont. i got accepted to college!! so yeah. big things are erupting. recently my relationships with people have become very complicated. im not really sure what to do. i think ive made a mistake and i dont know how to fix it and something bad is going to happen. im not sure what'll happen. im a bit scared of it all. but im sure itll work out. in the end i always end up saying the wrong thing, so this is all on me. i dont want to say anything to anyone thatll hurt their feelings. im a little done with it all. ill always try to be a good person. so i guess it'll all end up fine. anyway! maybe a new entry tomorrow. as always thanks for reading. i hope you have a good dya :D
(ASMR)「Your Boyfriend Hits You Over The Head With A Decorative China Plate After You Call His Mother's Welcome Mat On The Porch "Decadent" As You Mistakenly Believe That It Means "Polished, Elegant, And Meticulous In Nature" The First Time You Meet His Parents, The China Plate Is A Family Heirloom Dating Back To The Heian Period | For Sleep And Relaxation Aid」
(in nevada)
hey guys welcome back to another sillian diary entry. today i'm going to bitch to you about how awful i am at talking and how my dad hammers me for it. basically, if im not trying to act like a normal human being, i turn into something that can only be described as a robot trying and failing miserably to figure out how humans behave. im super monotone, and i suck at sounding genuine. it takes me a while to process that someone has said something to me so i kinda stare blankly at people im comfortable around until i realize what they've said. even then, for some reason i cant speak until a good 6 seconds of silence has passed and my voice box decides to start working. i tell myself to say something, but my mind is blank. it makes people feel like im disinterested in what they're saying or that im hard to talk to, and it sucks. but thats only when im caught lacking. most of the time i can speak to people somewhat normally if i dont know them very well, because i can put up a guard and speaking just magically works. for some reason i find it harder to talk to people im comfortable with, probably because im able to lower my guard around them and act like i normally do. which is unfortunately like a robot. it sucks to have people think that i dont care. in my head, it should be as simple as "just speak" but for some reason my brain just cant. i wish it was something i could control and i feel bad that people have to deal with my awwwwwful ass chromebook processing speed. im not really sure why im like this, it isnt much of a hindrance most of the time and it only really gets bad when i overthink it too much and i get nervous. most of the time, its fun to talk to other people and its smooth sailing. its just frequent enough that its a serious insecurity of mine. i try to make my voice sound less monotone but it doesnt really work. i am suppose to be jesse pinkman. what is going on. anyway, whenever i see my dad and i happen to be in this comatose state he likes to pick on me for it, which doesnt really bother me for the most part, because i know hes just joking. but it does sting a little when i start to remember that its something i cant fix about myself and im just like this. it makes you feel like theres something fundamentally wrong with you. no one else is like you. you are WEIRD bro. but ive learnt to accept that i am just like this sometimes. it isnt wrong so who really cares. not sure what the cause of this is, but my sister does the same thing but shes not as monotone as me. helllloooo guys is there like a sims cheat code for this or something.
anyway, ive been reading phantom busters. its about a group of pals who exorcise spirits in the funny little place of kanagawa prefecture. one dude can eat spirits, one dude can see spirits, one dude can speak to spirits, and eugene kinda just does whatever. they all have to work together to exorcise em as they cant do it on their own. anyway, its funny, silly, goofy even, and it totally reccommend reading it. the thumbnail for today's entry is actually eugene, utahime, tamon and kanzaki from phantom busters. + shishikuno who isnt in that panel. overall, the group contrasts each other so well and they all bounce off of the walls when they're with each other and i cant stress enough how much of a fun read it is. my favorite characters are utahime and shishikuno btw....and ichimiya....quick quick!! go read it if youre interested! anyway, thats all for today. thank you for reading today's entry and i hope you have a great day. :D
oh also...the song i'm listening to right now is possessed by a disease by keiichi okabe and MONACA. you can find a cool dual mix here:
hello!! its nice to see you. if you saw my last entry, it was about a strange dream i had! a similar thing happened to me again last night, and i wanted to talk about it. this time i had a few dreams that all blended into one, but ill start at an interesting one. this dream took place in my english class, but i wasnt there. it looked like a movie. my teacher was talking to the class about ninjas, specifically a time in ninja history where they supposedly all got eradictated. i have no idea about the context of this, but she said "and so if all of the ninjas had stayed in the shadows for two more seconds, they would all still be here." and as she was saying this, the scene changed to a ninja outside the white house hiding behind a pillar and jumping into view of the sun, and i guess he must've died. by the way, we are not learning about ninjas in english class in real life. not really sure why my brain was thinking of ninjas and english class during this. although ive finished watching nabari no ou, which is about ninjas. moving on, this next dream takes place in some sort of renovated attic. my uncle is setting up what seems to be some kind of gun to the tv to play valorant with a real gun. not really sure why this happened either, i dont even play fps games. next dream! this dream took place in some kind of alternate valorant universe. again, i have never played valorant. i was with some guy i know and he was riding a dinosaur which had a single wheel for legs. we were both on it and he drove the dinosaurmobile into the sea. luckily, the dinosaurmobile could work on water so we skidded off into the ocean for some reason. then the dream cut to both of us on some kind of small wooden raft, then the dude just went to bed and started snoring. we were just on a plank in the middle of the ocean and he decides to go to bed on a board of planks. the guy in my dream is a bit of a whacknut in real life, so maybe that explains it. hes a good guy, just likes to cause trouble. anyway i was just sat next to this dude while he caught up on his beauty sleep and that was the end of the dream. the next dream started off in a corporate building of some sort that was like a billion stories high. a man walks into the building (lets call him mima) and points his gun at what im guessing is a super important corrupt dude. (he can be called bob to lessen confusion.) then he says "give back the counterfeit money you stole or i'm shooting you and sending you to prison." in response to this, the super important corrupt dude (bob) gets his lackey that was in the room also to try and get mima, but he then points his gun at the lackey guy and bob manages to escape during all of this. mima keeps pointing his gun at this random lackey guy while bob is hauling ass to the airport to try and skip countries for some reason. the lackey dude is confused and asks mima "well shouldn't you go and catch him?". then mima runs out of the building to try and find bob. he eventually finds him and holds him at gunpoint. i think its important to mention that mima suddenly is wearing sunglasses for some reason during this change of scene. then they both get into a car that was waiting for mima in order to drive bob to the bank. not really sure why they didnt just go to the police, but once theyre at the bank mima makes bob go into the bank and confess that he stole money, and then they call the police. then mima goes home and has a bath and goes to bed. that is the end of the dream. a funny thing to point out is that mima is one of my ocs and he randomly appeared in my subconscious to hold a guy at gunpoint in a trench coat and then go to bed. also important thing to mention: when he was running out of the building to go and catch bob, he also took his weird nameplate thing made of gold that all improtant corporate dudes have on their desk in the movies. you know what im talking about! anyway, those were my dreams.
quite recently, my scars have also healed. some are skin colored and some are bright red. whenever i get too cold they turn purple and i look like william afton. im the man behind the slaughter :D on another note, I HAVE FINISHED SEASON 1 OF HAJIME NO IPPO!! i sat through 76 episodes of buff oiled up men. reporting back to tell you about season 2, its alright. season 1 is way better. when i watched season 1, i watched it in the dub, but the show only got dubbed for that one season so i had to get used to the japanese voices. i love sports anime and especially ones that are made in the 90s to 2000s. the first season came out in 2000 and the second season came out in 2009, which is why the artstyle changed so much. i REALLY love the artstyle of hajime no ippo, its gritty and beautiful. it changed a lot in the second season and it made me a bit sad. it doesnt look as good in my opinion, but its alright. animators worked their asses off on this season regardless of how it looks and im sure the second season will be great just like the first one, this is just my first impressions. if you like sports anime and havent watched hajime no ippo yet, please do. or read the manga!! its really good! the thumbnail for this entry is kimura and aoki from the first season. i didnt really plan to write about hajime no ippo, but i guess its a nice concidence. thats all for this one. i hope you have a good day. :D
happy new year everyone!!! i hope you enjoy the rest of the year ahead. i was just woken up by a very weird dream for me, and i needed to write it down. this was a recurring thing for me a few years ago, and it just randomly happened again out of the blue. you see, i used to have dreams about a guy that i know about. i say "know about" and not "know" because i saw him around a lot and we spoke a few times but i never really knew the guy. which makes this kinda weird to me. there were a few times that i dreamt that i was speaking to him or he was in my dream to some capacity and whenever i woke up i remembered everything with no biggie. even if it was a few dreams that blended into one, id always remember what we spoke about and where we were. im wondering if this guy is a wizard or something because i dont think its possible to sit next to someone for a little while and immediately go home and have a dream about them. im wondering if he has hexed me. just kidding! im not interested in this guy at all, i prefer girls, so im wondering why this guy immediately appears in my dreams the second i interact with him. i know lots of people, and he is the only case of this. usually its random dream people or my friends and family or classmates, but its random. not triggered by when i see them. the dream i just had felt so real i was confused when i woke up. and i think i was seeing in first person too which is weird. i usually dream like its a movie - if im in it, i can see myself like im a separate character and im just looking in as an observer. this time it felt like i was seeing through my own eyes. the lighting was really pretty. so thanks random guy i know for the nice dream. he asked me lots of questions and i felt like i could speak freely without being worried. it felt like everything was at peace. i didnt feel angry or confused. i recently got gifted a dream catcher by a family member, and maybe thats why the dream was so nice loool. usually i have trouble with my voice in social situations. i have to be with someone i know or my voice gets really quiet and croaky. but i remember my voice being clear and free from worry. i cant remember the questions he asked, but it ended in laughs. anyway, i cant stress enough how lovely this dream was. not because of the dude himself, i dont really know him personally. the dreams that i speak to him in are always just so calm. i like that i always say what i want in them and the environment is so peaceful. so id happily put up with this random dude haunting my dreams just because they feel so refreshing. anyway, thats all i wanted to say. not much going on with me, just deadlines lol. i hope you have a great day. :D
happy christmas everyone!!! i bought a new lava lamp! its pretty big and its purple which is my favorite color so i love it.
ENOUGH ABOUT THAT!! CHRISTMAS DOESNT MATTER!! my evil writing does!! did you know? i love ghosts. i mean, if you've read the other entries you'll know i love clowns, and i kinda connect the two in my head for some reason. both weird freaks?? anyway, it may or may not be a surprise to you that i love ghosts. for a buncha reasons!! but they dont matter. all that matters is that a story im thinking about (and opening up my google doc and writing one sentence for every 5 years) has a ghost in it, and her name is penelope. shes a spirit that starts haunting a porcelain ball jointed doll left in a weird old house for an unknown reason. dont ask me either, i dont know. some guy called michael stokes finds her cuz his parents just died and he inherits their weird old creaky house. finds her in a closet, then they become best friends. penelope cant remember her old name or her memories, so they have to try and uncover her old past or something. i really like penelope cuz shes really slow and looks emotionless and her head is always tilted forward cuz shes been in a gross old closet for who knows how long and shes cracked and aged like hell.. ive always wondered if ghosts would lose their memories or not, so i wanted to do that with penelope. to communicate, penelope can only be heard in a whisper. she feels complex emotions and stuff but fails to express them well because of her porcelain body. the amount of joints on her is small, so her range of motion is limited. her movements can seem janky and uncoordinated. i really like the idea of a ghost who still has to deal with janky joint problems even as a spirit, it just seems kinda funny. her posture just like mine!!!!!!! awful!! i wanted penelope to be able to go out and experience the world with michael to have a kind of second chance at life, as her previous one sucked. idk maybe she forgot her memories when she turned into a ghost cuz she just didnt want to remember them. i want her to be able to be happy. shut up. i thought about this in about an hour. i couldnt stop thinking about this so i needed to write this down NOW or id explode. how can you expect a first draft of mine to be good. have mercy. man im not even much of a writer, im a digital artist. help me writing..............s...........augh.........have a good day!! and a merry christmas if you celebrate it.
today i am doing ok. recently the pit in my stomach went away, but now its back. i have absolutely no idea where im going to go from here. im sure that if i take a walk in some nature or something ill find myself again, ive just had a bad experience so im bound to have a bad reaction. my whole life isnt fucked. ive been watching hajime no ippo recently. guess who my favorite character is. its ichiro miyata. YOU KNOW WHAT. this whole time i thought that his name was MIYADA because i was watching the dub and their american accents made it sound like they were saying miyada. they pronounced t and d similarly. sorry im not american i did not know this. i thought "woowwww ichiro is a pretty cutesy name for such a serious guy his name should be gundam megatron or something and the "da" sound in his name makes him sound scary". bro it was a "ta" sound. sounds like hes a stone skipping on water now. thats nothing. hes suppose to be a super strong boxer not a pebble on water. for shame. i find him to be quite a funny fellow. to be honest, im a sucker for characters whos exterior is really serious and strong and unapproachable, but if you get to know them theyre quite kind. ive just realized. is the way i write weird?? i mean i write the way i talk, so i guess it probably might sound a bit weird. ANYWAY! i like ichi hes a fun little fellow. ippo and ichi's rivalry is really nice to see. usually rivals fucking hate each other and want to Rip The Other One To Shreds. it was fun watching ippo trying to become friends with ichi. they got juice together and ichi explained his whole life goal and origin story in two minutes, then dipped. then he saw ippo getting shoes for boxing and quickly saved his wallet before he got the completely wrong type of shoe. then he dipped again. ichi is the type of character who is really likeable, but is only there for like 20% of the show but has an insane effect on the narrative. he reminds me of goro akechi from persona 5 in that way, because goro shows up for like 5 seconds at the start, 30 seconds in the middle, destroys the narrative, then comes back for 3rd semester therefore also destroying the narrative again. i love goro. id drop everything and go to the stupid jazz club the moment i saw him standing outside of that stupid building. half of my time playing persona 5 was grinding goro's social link. hes my favorite persona 5 character. that mf is the holy grail of Character Analyzing for all strange persona fans. i know him better than the creator does. anyway! back to ichi. i also like characters who usually only use their last name ( or full first name ) when other characters refer to them, but by the middle of the show they switch to using their first name or a cutesy nickname or something. best thing ever. akechi is referred to by his first name once in the entire game, and it was in optional dialogue. ichiro is only referred to using his first name by his father. i dunno, just a fun thing i like with characters. overall, if you like sports anime, hajime no ippo is a good watch. also quite funny. BATTERY LOW (10%) shut up. im busy listening. stop ruining my bluetooth headphone experience. arent wireless headphones so cool? boy you can get up and walk around everywhere! darn thats neat. well anyway it is time to go to shower world. thank you for reading my garble. i'll be writing again. i hope i can see you soon. have a good day!!!!
ok im sorry this is a continuation!!! i almost collapsed loool. i got out of the shower and i realized the room was spinning and everything was really distorted. i went to my room to try and put some clothes on, but by that time i was trying not to freak out and i could hardly see anything. i thought i was going to die, but then i thought about those tumblr posts that are like "i havent drank or eaten in 537 days and my body parts are ripping off but its probably fine no need to go to the doctors im bazinga boy" or whatever and i started to calm down a bit. then the Horrors came back and i realized i might be in big trouble. i managed to somehow get some clothes on and i went downstairs. i could feel myself finding it hard to stand straight and i was slurring like a pro so im surprised i didnt fall down the stairs. at this point im just hanging on for dear life. all i could really control was my breathing, and by god you better believe i was breathing like i hadnt tasted air in 2 centuries. anyway at this point my vision was pitch black and i couldnt see shit. i tried to feel around for the couch but since i couldnt see it i just gave up and sat on the floor to try and fix whatever the hell had happened. i cannot describe how weird i felt during this. im not the freaker outer guy usually but this time i was really feeling it. if i hadnt have sat down i wouldve fallen flat on my face and passed out. during all of this, i had no idea that my sister was also in the room (as i could not see) and she asked if i was ok. i was ok. then i sat down and waited until my vision went back to normal and i stopped feeling unbearably sick. my sister was watching a show on tv where they have to guess if something was real or if it was cake. this kinda brought me back to clarity because of how stupid it was. i think this happened because i had only eaten fishie bites (fish fingers shaped like fish), not drank anything, and had slept for 17 hours. i also lost a lot of blood today and i was in the shower for like an hour and it was hot and humid and no oxygen. its only scary when its happening. i feel totally fine now. well i hope you have a nice day. make sure to drink lots of water and eat real good so you dont fall into the Scary Dimension. i hope you are ok. bye!
a girl patted me on the head today and i think i just saw god. i know why im alive now. this is an epiphany i have been searching for for millenias. i understand the meaning of life and what i must do. how have i been without this for so long. i have finally redeemed myself from my lacklusterness. everyone who has compared their height to mine will see the fiery pits of hell. i have finally seen the light.
anyway i ate two brownies today. and not much else happened. then i watched hiraku fujii do some cool yoyo tricks.
hey! its been a bit since i writ something down here. ive been super busy with exams and figuring out stuff. i take an art course so im always swamped with random art lol. so i decided to get another sketchbook! totally helped. for so long ive only been drawing digitally but ive been drawing on regular paper recently just cuz its more easier to pick up a pencil and start sketching than do a bunnchhhh of stuff to have the motivaion to draw digitally. so i got a new sketchbook! course i had a few before, but i wasnt very good at drawing back then and art only made me angry. but now i enjoy it a bunch. im itching to start drawing digitally again!!! it feels like its been so long.... like how tiger woods thought that if he stopped playing golf for a bit hed forget how to play it or something. was that tiger woods??? i dont know. speaking of golf, ive been really into everybody's golf: world tour again!!! if you're curious, the wikipedia page for it is a fun read :D i have great memories tied to that game. i remember me and my dad always playing it when i was small on the psp and ps3 and he taught me how to play it. we had lots of fun, but he had already unlocked all the cool golf clubs and courses and characters before i started playing it. i love the developers clap hanz and everybodys golf: world tour. specifically that entry. there are certain things about the other games that i just HATE. world tour just brings it all together. im pretty sure its called hot shots golf: out of bounds in north america, and みんなのGOLF５in japan.
so, let me tell you about my love for this game. i think most of it comes from nostalgia like i said, cuz i used to play with my dad. i remember always playing on the training course and doing stupid trick shots and stuff. i mean i still have the game downstairs, so i could play it whenever. but i cant get distracted.....i have to play metal gear.....anyway, i cant play a game with an artstyle i hate and characters i dont like. thats an annoying thing with me. even if it has the best story ever, my eyes get offended and i cant play it. thats why world tour is great!! i love the artstyle and characters. if you were wondering, sophie used to be my favorite. i also just like the mechanics. theres a gauge you can use to amp up the distance and power of your string, or a timer where you have to fit a little circle in a big one in time for the perfect shot. that one took some time to learn cuz i suck!! but its also just very relaxing. its easy to start playing for beginners, and advanced golf enthusiasts can think "yeah, this is close enough to golf" and have fun playing it. overall, i just love this game. thank you for reading this far!! please check it out if you think its interesting, its a great game! new entries indefinitely. exams are killing me. have a great day!!!
i'll just quickly jot this down real quick before i forget. i woke up in the middle of the night all clammy and stuff from a dream. i cant really remember the dream, but i remember i was watching someone from a distance and thinking "am i copying them?". this was literally just a regular dream guy. i know there was much more, but thats all i can remember. i basically never wake up from a dream like this ever unless its a nightmare, which i haven't really gotten lately. (i just get super weird ones lool.) but i wonder what was in that dream.
it's really early in the morning right now, but i thought i'd write this down now before i forgot. i hate when that happens!!! i'll continue later.
i remember the time my uncle was super drunk and brung up the fact that he thought gay and bisexual people didnt exist and they were just doing it for attention. then i think of the time a couple passing by at 11pm or so had to call the police for me while my grandpa was screaming cuz he was beating the shit out of him cuz he was drunk as balls. hes an interesting dude. next time i saw him he asked me at a cheery family gathering what i told the police about what happened and everyone went silent. he used to bully people on twitter as well using parody accounts. i am serious. this is an old ass man. an interesting man to study!
anyway.....recently ive been struggling a little. WHY AM I SO COLD RN!!!!! ok. its not that interesting and its hard to put into words, but im gonna say stuff anyway. i am very very scared. but yknow, im not even that scared. im gonna have to start actually getting out into the world soon and im not sure how ill cope. i get quite frustrated with myself when i cant even function properly when doing my basic routines and stuff. it totally feels like im just ruining things for myself and its so annoying!!!! i dont know what im feeling, but i just know things are getting worse again and i feel too bad to actually do anything about it. i try my hardest. not as much for myself, but for my family. i was a very angry and bitter person at one point and they were so patient with me, but i was too whatever the hell i was to realize. more like i knew, but they had done an injustice to me so i felt angry for being swept under the rug. i love my family very much. in a way theyre all i have. i know no matter how washed up i get ill always have someone to help me. its just hard asking for it, and my family sure doesnt have a track record with dealing with messed up stuff. all of em!! im so close to finishing school and my dad believes that i can hang in there. i think ive made them worried. dealing with outside stuff always makes me miserable. i get scared. and i get angry. im not sure what'll happen, but ill hang in there. i only have 7 months left. ive havent been confiding in my family until pretty recently tbh. i never really felt comfortable with them at all. idk how, ive known them my whole life. except my little sister!! shes cool and its kinda crazy how much she reminds me of myself way back when. she'll be ok.
ok! hello! im SILLY!!!! (IwI) im the owner of this place. to be honest, i cant really remember why i decided to create a website. i think it was because i was reading randal's friends and i thought, "what the hell is neocities??" and here we are today. gradually ive gotten better. i was a lot more clueless before!!
to get a better idea about myself, i like games, clowns, art, and plushies. im a huge fan of persona and shin megami tensei!! i have two silly little porcelain clown dolls and theyre the coolest thing. i have a huge collection of plushies on my bed as well, and i went a while just hanging off the side of my bed because i was too lazy to arrange them all and they were taking up too much space!! my favorites are mostly plushies of characters i like...i have one of ritsu sakuma from ensemble stars, (I REALLY LIKE HIM!!!) one of madoka from madoka magica, one of hatusune miku, and one of makoto yuki from persona 3. speaking of that, i fought tooth and nail to get that little shit. i think he either came out because of persona's 20th or 25th anniversary?? i cant remember. and because they were only sold in japan and there was such a high demand, i paid 130 BUCKS FOR THAT STUPID CREATURE!!! he has a stupid koromaru onesie on as well though... i guess i was lucky. i think i saw one going for 300 bucks on ebay. phew! its ok. i love him so so so much anyway and hes sat in a little basket on my table. i collect flip phones too. im crazy about old tech like that and i have a purple sony ericsson and i love it so much. i have a docomo flip phone too that i watch spongebob on as well. very cute! i recently got a kaworu nagisa figure actually. as you can tell i love buying useless stuff!!! i live with my family and every time someone gets a package its kinda like a huge event, but surprisingly no one said anything. my dad has watched evangelion actually. i guess im in the clear! his eyesight is so poor i wouldnt be surprised if thats the reason he couldnt see it. but seriously, when i got him i thought he'd be way smaller. hes huge!!! maybe im just used to small figures. hes sat next to my clown doll right now. the bigger one i have is called reuben, and my dad hates him. hates clowns!!! "why would he want something so creepy. its like your doll's staring into my soul." he says. i think he secretly likes him but he doesnt want to admit it...trust. recently ive been trying to play persona 4. i got 60 hours in, got busy with work, and then havent touched it since. yknow, theres a thing i always do where i've played through about 30% of games ive ever gotten. i never finished omori. i never finished bayonetta 1 or 2. (PLANNING TO!!!!) i havent finished resident evil 4. (but i just got it!!!) i never finished mgs 1 or 2. (same as re4) and ive never finished the phoenix wright ace attorney trilogy. (ALSO PLANNING TO!!!!!) i just either get bored or dont have time...so many games to play though. but the thing is i started replaying nier for some reason. when i have a bucket of games to get through!!!!!! so ill be playing persona 4 and mgs2 now. when i have the time. please have mercy on me...
anyway, thanks for reading!! this is the first entry. im thinking of talking about my art a little more next time. so if youre interested, please come back in an indefinite amount of time!!! hopefully its soon. when i get the time. thanks again!!! please stay safe!! (n_n)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope you enjoyed your time here. please come back soon! (0u0) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
